The stupid American Generals think I have been hiding in caves in Afghanistan and Pakistan. I have been secretly touring with Britney Spears for the past ten months. My job has been to shave the girl every day. When I get done with her, only the hair on her head remains. Believe me, I don't miss a single place.
You may have seen a picture in the newspapers recently that showed a Band-Aid on Britney's crotch. That was the result of Osama's razor slipping just a little bit in the morning lather. She was not injured as had been reported. I just kissed the boo-boo and made it all better!
You may be wondering why a famous terrorist like me, Osama Bin Laden, would take such a menial job. It keeps me out of the hands of the infidels. It has great benefits. The pay is not bad either. And one of the best benefits is that I get to keep all the hair I shave off of Britney---and I use it to patch in my thinning beard! You foolish Americans think Britney Spears has nothing but blonde peach fuzz. Let me tell you: what I shave off her secret parts is just a perfect match for my beard! That is why I have been able to hide so long from the infidel American Generals.
Don't bother trying to catch me... I've moved on to shaving another one of your pop star sluts. I'll give you a clue: it's not Paula Abdul... no Abdul for Osama! Ha! ha!