Long Island Chuck and Punxsutawney Phil have each been charged with assaulting the other in what has been described by authorities as a "beef" over who is more credible in predicting the amount of time until spring returns. Both famous groundhogs were ticketed and told to show up for a scheduled court appearance.
MSNBC News was there to catch the historic meeting, however, and we got more than what we had expected.
When Phil popped out of his hole, Chuck was waiting for him to cordially discuss the finer points of climate prediction. However, Phil was having none of it, and called Chuck a "fuckin half-toothed zipper-head" for perpetrating being a meteorologist. Chuck shot back, "You penguin lookin' mother fucker, you got enough nerve to talk about me with your nuts being the size of Che-Che beans just barely visible between your hind legs, you tramp-type slut."
"Awh, bitch! That did it. Your mammy sucks cock on Easter Sunday at church services, you ignorant bitch-type, tramp, mother fuckin', anteater dick suckin', punk-ass, maggot-brained turd ball," Phil long-windedly replied.
"Why, iffin' I wasn't so old you fake-ass, nanodick havin', spooge in the face lovin', half a sandwich eatin', once a month bleedin' pecker-head, I'd slap you so hard your great grandchildren will feel it, Chuck remarked.
Not to be outdone, Phil fired back, "Why you half-breed hog mixed with grub genes, your daddy smokes monkey cock at daycare centers nationwide, you wanna-be hermaphrodite with flea genitals, kiss my narrow, furry, dingle-berry hangin' ass."
After the meeting, Phil returned to his hole and Chucky stormed off to Long Island, both apparently satisfied of the remarkable progress they made discussing the climate. We, on the other hand, were pleased by being able to bring you the inroads made by the meeting of two brilliant minds ironing out their differences in such a manner characterized by reason, logic, cordiality, aforethought, self-disclosure, trust and honesty. It warms the heart that most Americans act in this most advantageous way, trying to solve the problems we all face together.