Even more shocking news today out of the state of Illinois. Former governor Rod. Blagojevich, during a post-impeachment media tour, broke news of an alleged abuse of power within the state's federal water supply system. Blagojevich charges that there was corruption and general malfeasance for the citizens of Illinois within the bureaucracy, and that it has had potentially deleterious effects on the people of the great state.
"This is a big fucking story", said Blagojevich. "People in Illinois will be fucking hurt now, and since I was wrongfully removed from my job, I have no reason to continue the cover-up." It seems as if water safety inspectors were "farmed out" to democratically favorable electoral districts, in an effort to guarantee basic safety for those areas that predominantly supported the Illinois Democrats. Further, when pressed (very gently) as to the extent of the corruption, Blago had more shocking news.
"Obama fucking knew, Rahm fucking knew, that fucking bastard Patrick fucking Fitzgerald fucking knew, bastard, and you know what, even Roland Burris knew." When asked what new Illinois Governor Patrick Quin knew of the breaking scandal, Blagojevich responded in the negative, "he doesn't know fucking shit".
Perhaps even more shocking than the breadth of corruptive knowledge within the state government apparatus is the abject failure of pundits to thus far name the scandal. Typically pugnacious AP punster Bill Roll had this to say: "This is just awful, we can't call it Obama-gate, or Rahm-gate or Rahmbo-gate, because there was so many people in on it. We can't call it Illinois-gate, because people expect scandals out of this state. The really fucking obvious cliché is finally too clichéd. I know we've had nipple-gate, Paris-gate, condo-gate, tuna-gate, and Senate ethics committee chairman lewdly soliciting young boys-gate, but water-gate, WATERGATE??? That's too fucking far, its over, I truly think it's finally over".
As the state reels with news of another government scandal, Former Governor Blagojevich was asked about the timing of his announcement. "Well, it makes about as much sense as everything else I've done throughout this personally fucking ruinous period" he responded.
Prominent pundits across the country have already begun sharpening their knives for this latest scandal. According to sources close to the media personalities, Sean Hannity is feeling "even more reactionary than usual", George Will is "slightly perturbed" and has "reflectively adjusted his glasses", and Jon Stewart has already started rehearsing his sarcastically shocked facial expression (there are reports he will put one hand to his face during the gesture). Further, in one of his most outrageous moves to date, we are reliably informed that MSNBC's Keith Olberman DEMANDED his speech writer/ teleprompter operator to put his weekly address IN ALL CAPS!!! The over under for spontaneous spits during what promises to be a particularly windy diatribe is three, and for foaming incidents it is 2.
Finally, as Blagojevich finished his final interview, with Fox News host Mike Huckabee, he was asked if perhaps this boiling, water scandal and its effects on health were the reason for making announcements during his impeachment proceedings with elderly and sickly people.
His response: "No, those useless people were just fucking props, fucking ineffective props".