SAN JOSE, CA - Right-wing fat-ass Rush Limbaugh, best known for using his mouth to bash liberals, has decided to put it to another use. This July 4th, he will compete against Takeru Kobayashi and Joey "Jaws" Chestnut in the 94th Annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island, Brooklyn, N.Y.
This longstanding tradition began on July 4th, 1916 when, according to legend, four immigrants on Coney Island were having an argument over who was the most patriotic. They decided to settle the quibble by means of a hot dog eating contest at Nathan's famous hot dog stand, and the tradition continues to this day, drawing world class competitors.
"Listen, folks, there's no one more patriotic than yours truly," announced the uber-rightwing media notable on The Rush Limbaugh Show. "And I'm going to do this because I love America. There are those naysayers, and there always are, those who doubt - even my staff - they say, 'you can't do that.' Well, why not? What's wrong with it?"
Unbelievably, many experts say the jiggling juggernaut is not a favorite to win the competition despite his well-documented penchant for gorging himself. Kobayashi dominated the competition for 6 years until Chestnut stepped on the scene, and they both are fully capable of eating well over 50 hot dogs with accompanying buns in the allotted 12 minute time limit. They both have held the world record at one point, though Chestnut is the present Nathan's champion at 59 ½ hot dogs. These are highly trained professional competitive eaters.
However, Limbaugh is unfazed. At an incredible 1279 pounds, he actually weighs 290 pounds more than the Kodiak bear that once outscarfed Kobayashi on Fox's 2003 Man vs. Beast, and Rush claims he can eat twice what the bear did. "You see, ladies and gentlemen, here's the rub. The drive by media would have you believe only these sorts, these types of people, that only they can eat liberal amounts of hot dogs. But they don't know what liberal is. Let me tell you something, folks, El Rushbo's going to show them a thing or two about liberal. I'm committed, a rock, a mountain even. With a spine of steel. I'm going to put those liberal quantities of food right where they belong because I've got a talent for eating," he says, "on loan from God."
The self-proclaimed Mr. Big of the Competitive Eating Circuit says that he has been working on his methods for several months. He asserts that he is now able to consume 14 entire "white trash cakes" (as he refers to his favorite, yellow cake with white frosting) in just under 15 minutes, and recently began practicing with hot dogs. He had considered ingesting the buns orally and the hot dogs rectally to save time, but decided this would not be fitting of someone as Uber-Sexual as himself, so he will stick to the traditional method. Instead, to aid in their timely consumption, Limbaugh claims to have developed a technique he calls the "Rush-ian Wriggle," a method similar to that used by Kobayashi which is supposed to force food down the esophagus and compact it more tightly in the stomach.
In addition, the noted media blowhard says he has been practicing using his extremely powerful diaphragm to conduct an entire radio show in a single breath, stating that the tremendous muscular contraction allows him to expand his stomach "to its fullest extent."
Liberals everywhere, and even some conservatives, look forward to the upcoming July 4th competition. They say the 12 minutes of silence while The Most Dangerous Man In America stuffs his face will be a welcome departure from the norm, and the brief hush may very well be his new personal best even if he does not win the eating competition.