WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following the House of Representatives' passage of an $819 billion economic stimulus bill without the benefit of one single Republican vote, President Obama has proposed a revolutionary new bill providing augmentative surgery for House Republicans that will "make it easier than ever for them to talk out of the sides of their necks."
The bill calls for a mere $5 million dollars to allow the 177 Republicans in the House of Representatives the opportunity to have their mouths surgically moved to the sides of their necks over the course of the next year. Any remaining funds may be used so that members so desiring may have surgery making it possible for them to blow smoke out of their asses as well.
Pressed to explain his motivation for proposing the so-called "Side of the Neck Bill," President Obama said, "It's simple, really. When President Clinton left office after 8 years of centrist economic policy, there was a budget surplus of hundreds of billions of dollars. Now, after 8 years of supply side economics, tax cuts and an expensive, unpopular war, I've been left with a budget deficit of hundreds of billions of dollars. But the House Republicans continue to reiterate the same policy recommendations that got us into this mess in the first place. 'That's too much spending, that's not enough tax cuts, that's going to hurt big oil companies and uncompetitive American automakers, I miss my Wonald Weagan, waaaah!' Now, I know these people aren't stupid, so that must mean only one thing... they are talking out of the sides of their necks."
Obama went on to say, "They keep repeating, 'There's not enough tax cuts,' but more than a third of my bill is exactly that... tax cuts! $275 billion worth! That roughly equals $1000 of tax cuts for every man, woman and child in America, and the remaining money is for spending on America's infrastructure. You know, tax and spend may not sound that great. But it's better than don't tax and spend anyway, which is where these budget deficits keep coming from... they don't just pop out of thin air. Reagan spent without taxing, and the deficits got so bad that Americans had to read George H. W. Bush's lips saying, 'Okay, maybe some new taxes after all.'"
Shaking his head sadly, Obama noted, "Our failure to garner one single vote from the Republican side of the aisle seems to imply that Republicans would rather spend America's money by shoving a trillion dollar Democratic stimulus package down Iraq's throat halfway around the world than by spending half that much creating opportunities for Americans right here in America and paving the way toward a sustainable green economy that doesn't rely on foreign oil." He added, "I think it's worth noting, too, that my economic stimulus package won't kill a single American troop, let alone 4,000."
"I promised America change, and I'm going to put my money where my mouth is," said President Obama. "So, let's recognize things for what they are and put these Republicans' mouths where they should be... on the sides of their necks. I believe it's money well spent."