Written by Kristin Dreyer Kramer
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Topics: Army, Squirrel

Monday, 14 January 2002

image for Government Warns of Possible Squirrel Uprising

Washington officials have confirmed reports that America's squirrels are most likely beginning to organize - and may be planning some kind of a coup.

Roland Wilkins of Westin, Nebraska was the first to report sightings of squirrel organization. "Ya wouldn't'a believed it!" Wilkins exclaimed in a recent press conference. "I was just makin' my way down the road on the John Deere when I seen 'em. Musta been ten, twelve squirrels. They was runnin' down the road - and it looked like they was in ranks!" Then he added, "I would'a thought it was just my medicine makin' me see things again - it does that sometimes, you know. That's why I ain't suppose'ta drive the truck no more. But Mike seen 'em, too!"

Michael Tucker, also of Westin, reported seeing the squirrels running in ranks just two days after the Wilkins sighting. "They looked like they was in trainin' for somethin'," he reported.

Tucker denies being on the same medication as Wilkins. As soon as Wilkins and Tucker began telling their stories, more people started coming forward to report strange squirrel sightings. An Indiana woman, for instance, claimed that a squirrel had climbed up her screen door and attempted to gnaw through it.

U.S. Secretary of Small Furry Animal Behavior Jerry Lester admits that he was skeptical at first. "These reports kept coming in, but I figured [the witnesses] were just a bunch of bored farmers who had been drinking some bad moonshine," said Lester. "But after last week's incident in the park, I began to understand the magnitude of what we may be dealing with." Lester went on to explain that he had paused in his walk through the park to stop and watch a squirrel as it climbed a tree. Just as he resumed his stroll, he heard a loud cracking sound, after which he was hit by a branch that the squirrel had dropped from above.

"It's obvious that they want me out of the way," Lester stated. "But it'll take more than a blow to the head to stop me from guarding my country from their sinister plot."

Lester has assured the press that he's doing everything in his power to investigate the possibility of squirrels organizing and attempting to turn humans into their own personal slaves. In the meantime, he said, Americans should not panic.

He did, however, note that it might be wise to start gathering acorns, since they could be used for bribery and/or currency in the event of a successful squirrel coup.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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