Written by Kristin Dreyer Kramer
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Monday, 14 January 2002

image for US Facing Real Energy Crisis
How will they find the power to boil the water?

Everyone always said that it was only a matter of time before the United States ran out of electricity. And that time is now upon us - or at least it will be soon. Washington was notified of the emergency just days ago and has been rushing around, forming committees, ever since.

"We're trying to put together committees and sub-committees as efficiently as possible. Then we'll make a big pot of coffee and talk about his extremely urgent situation for a while," said Sally Murphy, Chairperson of the New Committee Dealing with the Real Energy Crisis.

Murphy went on to explain that even though the government has been talking about The Energy Crisis for years, this time they really mean it. She said that the nation has suddenly found itself on the verge of running out of power - due in a large part to the past holiday season.

"More and more people are decorating their homes with more and more flashing lights and dancing Santas with their prancing reindeer, and it just turned out to be a little too much this year," she explained.

Murphy said that Christmas light manufacturers have made the situation worse by making it much too easy to put up lots and lots of lights. "Now we've got nets made of lights for covering shrubs - and those stupid-looking icicle lights - and any lazy guy on the block can light up his whole yard with little or no effort. Then he keeps the lights up year-round as he sits back and pays his outrageously high electric bill, not considering that he's depleting the country's power supply."

She also added that the ever-increasing number of battery-powered Christmas gifts didn't help, either. "People buy batteries more often than they buy toilet paper."

Murphy refused to comment on the rumors that the US government is considering canceling Christmas from now on.

Jerry Frasier, Chairman of the Subcommittee to Discuss What We're Going to do Now, also commented on the situation. "We've been informed that, thanks to spoiled rotten kids with their battery-powered rocket ships and their moronic parents who light up their houses like Las Vegas casinos, we're pretty much going to run out of power sometime in the next year - and that's only if we can convince the casinos to switch to candlelight until we figure out a backup plan."

He recommended that Americans should limit the use of electricity to when it's "absolutely necessary - like to watch the Thursday night lineup on NBC. But only the new episodes. Not the reruns."

Frasier said that the Subcommittee for Alternate Power is experimenting with various natural, human, and animal methods for generating power - anything to keep the calming light of the television flickering in the window of every American household. But he also admitted that the solution may be too far in the distance.

"Basically," he concluded, "we're screwed."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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