CHICAGO, Illinois -- In what experts expected would one day come to pass since they, on numerous occasions, had previously tested for and found excrement in McDonald's "beef" patties, a Seattle woman bit into her Quarter Pounder and got a mouthful of feces.
"I didn't know it was human poo when I bit into it," she said. "It's not like I know what it tastes like! I expected it to be saltier," she added.
The woman and police declined to give her name for fear of repercussions from McDonald's and other fast food operators. Especially KFC and Pizza Hut, they opined, because [their meals] "taste like shit."
"You'd expect shit to taste like shit," snapped teen-aged, assistant manager Arnold Tanenbaum of the downtown Chicago, Wabash Street franchise when asked what actions McDonald's would take in the wake of this damaging revelation. He was not immediately apologetic, and was quickly silenced and relegated to the deep frier by the manager, Fayeld Mizarabli, who arrived on the scene an hour after it hit the fan, or, more specifically, the roof of the unfortunate woman's mouth.
The manager spoke to the press who gathered quite quickly outside the restaurant once the bad burger story broke. Police had cordoned off the entrances while they searched for further excreted evidence. "McDonald's vows to get to the bottom of this," said Mr. Mizarabli, to which a repulsed patron who overheard him shouted back, "That's what got you into this mess in the first place!"
The manager assured the media and customers who surrounded the store that he personally would go "to the bowels of the earth" to discover the defecator.
Forensic experts were already on hand and up to their elbows in rubber gloves and derriere discharge. DNA testing to determine the source of the secretion has not been ruled out. "The perpetrator left behind droppings," stated one forensic scientist who didn't give his name. Recognizing the opportunity for numerous puns and humorous comments he said he did not want to be "the butt of any jokes."
The defiled victim would not confirm whether she would press charges but commented that there was already a foul taste in her mouth and that she didn't need lawyers around too.
McDonald's executives were conspicuously devoid of comment--and contrition. Phone calls to company President Charlie Bell were routinely intercepted by secretaries and receptionists. Giggling was heard in the background.
Mr. Mizarabli promised not to "wash his hands of this matter until justice was dung--DONE, done, I mean."