Washington, DC - Soon the backbone of our economy, America's middle class, blue-color workers, men in hardhats, steel toed boots and holding black lunch-buckets on their laps on their way to their new jobs promised will be seated alongside the nation's spineless. White-color men in suits, ties and with laptops on their laps in the business class section of international flights headed overseas looking for foreign markets to safely harbor their capital from the coming fiscal storm that is brewing in America.
"President Barack Obama abruptly came to the realization that he could not keep his campaign promise to bring millions of jobs back to America that have been outsourced for decades to China, India and Mexico," said a White House official. "So, he immediately took the action necessary today by including a travel stipend in the stimulus package to cover the cost of American's workers commuting back and for to their former jobs that are currently and permanently located abroad."
"It's one of those setbacks and false starts I warned you about," said Obama. "In fact, maybe I should have mentioned having to take three steps forward and four steps back. Well, maybe we should focus on this being a seatback. It doesn't sound so bad that way. Besides, it rhymes with kickback, not to imply anything unethical. Wait. Let me start over again. It's the kind of kickback as in being able to recline on a seat while flying business class of an international flight to your new job in a developing nation with an emerging untested democracy, repressive theocracy or unchallenged monarchy. There, doesn't that sound whole lot better now?"
"I don't mind making a long distance trip," said an unemployed tugboat captain. "Just so long as I have an aisle seat. I get airsick if I ride in car with the windows rolled down."
"The long commute is not the hard part," said an unemployed truck driver. "It's trying to catch a buzz on those tiny little bottles of booze they give you on the flight. I wonder what they got in their medicine cabinet."
"Oh, I didn't know," said an unemployed sky crane operator. "I get a nose bleed if I standup to quickly. I have to take the stairs wherever I go. Once, I took the elevator and when I reached the top floor they found me unconscious in a pool of my own blood."
"I'm game. Bring it on," said an unemployed personal trainer. "Only, they can't serve peanuts on board the flight. I'm allergic to them and breakout in hives. In fact, just taking about can trigger an epode. Oh no! It's happening right now. Where's my medical marijuana prescription?"
"Sure, I'll go," said a currently employed migrant worker. "I could use a second job. Just so long as they let me back into the country. I'm still waiting on my application for citizenship to be approved."
Editors note: This article was made possible by a grant from The Foundation of Universal Corporations United Against Labor (F.U.C.U.A.L.) and The World Institute Research Foundation United, Central Division of Divestment (W.I.R.F.U.C.D.D.).