GULFPORT, Mississippi - President Obama visiting an old high school friend who now lives in Gulfport today announced that he has named Eldrick Tont Woods, better known as Tiger Woods, to be his new Secretary of Sports.
The Department of Sports is a newly created govermental agency which will deal with sports-related matters such as the outrageously ridiculous salaries that today's sports figures receive.
President Obama says that he loves watching baseball, football, basketball, and ice hockey, but he quickly added that the salaries have just skyrocketed way beyond anyone's imagination.
He remarked that he has no problem with an athlete making whatever the owner wishes to pay him. But, that he does have a problem with the fact that the fans are the ones who ultimately end up paying for all of those multi-million dollar contracts.
The president pointed out that Alex Rodriguez, aka A-Rod, of the New York Yankees makes $28 million a year.
Obama said that he had a meeting with his Secretary of Food yesterday and that she had informed him that $28 million would feed every man, woman, and child living in Kenya, Uganda, Mozambique, Ethiopia, Malawi, and Zimbabwe for seven years!
The new Secretary of Sports Tiger Woods, who is one of the greatest golfers of all time, was quick to point out that the president did not mean to single out Mr. Rodriguez, who has been involved with Madonna and rumored to have dated Daisy Fuentes, Keira Knightley, Bonnie Hunt, and Lindsay Lohan (before LiLo found out that she liked girls).
But Woods did state that it is his understanding that this coming baseball season the average cost of a hot dog at a professional baseball game is going to be $29.
A bag of peanuts will sell for $19. And a 12-ounce cup of beer will sell for $21, that comes out to $1.75 an ounce.
And parking? $47. A game program? $23. And next year, because of the tremendous rise in player's salaries most baseball stadiums are going to start charging fans to go the bathroom. That's right a fee to pee, or to be more exact a pee fee.
Adult males will pay $9. Adult females will pay $7. Children will pay $4. And senior citizens will get a 10 cent discount but still have to pay either $8.90 or $6.90 depending on one's particular gender persuasion.
President Obama echoed the sentiments of Secretary Woods when he said that there was no way that anyone could tell him that it was right. "This is America." The president intoned. "We reside in the land of the New York Yankees, the Dallas Cowboys, the Boston Celtics, the Detroit Red Wings, and yes even The Toledo Mud Hens.
And my fellow American citizens, American's should not have to pay for the right to stand and pee, or squat to pee and again depending on your particular gender persuasion."
He grinned and then said, "This is just not acceptable, in any way, shape, form, or urinal. And I promise that I will definitely be vetoing the piss out of this damn proposal."
When President Obama was informed by a reporter for the Harlem Herald-Gazette that Tiger Woods made $128 million last year, he stopped abruptly in his tracks and said, "Say what bro?"
In a related story. Leslie Hackowitz ex-wife of hall of fame golfer Franklin Hackowitz has written a book about their viciously nasty divorce. It should be out this summer and is entitled, "I May Not Have Franklin's Putter or His Balls, But Hey, I've Got Half of Hack's $80 Million."