WASHINGTON D.C. Using a series of Executive orders, President Barack Obama has renamed the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) and fundamentally changed its mission. The new organization will be known as the Radio Enforcement Agency and will be headed by former Air America talk radio host Rachel Maddow.
Explaining the function of the renamed paramilitary agency, the President said, "The REA will be the enforcement arm of the Federal Communications Commission, and will ensure compliance with the Fairness Doctrine, which was reinstated the afternoon of my inauguration.
President Obama went on to list several networks, along with a number of syndicated radio programs and their hosts who had been on "Double Secret Probation" since the doctrine was reinstated, according to acting FCC Chairman Keith Olbermann.
The President continued, "Yesterday, REA agents began executing Operation Shut The Fuck Up -- A series of raids to physically secure the originating studios and to actively monitor the broadcast content of talk radio programs.
When asked about the possibility that Operation STFU might conflict with the Constitution the President replied, "My predecessor has established the Constitutionality of this operation. My administration is simply treating talk radio hosts the same way the Bush administration treated medical marijuana patients. After all, they are sick."
By late afternoon Operation STFU had resulted in the arrest of most of the targeted talk show hosts, who have all been transported to an undisclosed location where they will begin an intense rehabilitation program of "Fairness Awareness" conducted by agents of the ONDCP along with veteran "Enhanced Interview Technique" specialists formerly employed at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh remained at the studio vault inside his heavily fortified "Southern Command" in Florida, along with Sean Hanity and Ann Coulter, who were apparently tipped off to the raid in advance. The compound has been surrounded by several teams from the REA since early yesterday morning.
REA agents arrested Bill O'Reilly when he was found hiding in a dumpster outside the compound, after he was apparently denied entry by Limbaugh, Coulter and Hanity.
Unable to overcome the vast security perimeter of booby traps and testicle lock boxes that enclose the Limbaugh compound, the REA teams have requested assistance from the Florida National Guard, and advice from former Attorney General Janet Reno, who has confirmed that she will assist, saying, "They may be clinging to their guns and religion for now, but we know how to get those crazy cult leaders out."
Later today reporters caught up with the President as he tossed out the ceremonial match at the first annual Ann Coulter Book Bonfire event on the Mall. When asked how the REA's actions might impact the administration's relationship with republicans on Capitol Hill, President Obama replied, "I won -- So tell them to STFU too."