WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama has ordered that 5,000 U.S. troops stationed in Iraq be brought back home immediately.
The president held a closed meeting with his top military leaders, his top military advisers, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and Secretary of Defense Sean 'Diddy' Combs.
Afterwards, the president was asked how the meeting had gone. He replied that it went good and that everyone really liked the chocolate chip cookies that Vice-President Joe Biden's wife, Jill had made.
He then told the throng of assembled reporters that he had some good news and some bad news.
He smiled and said that the good news is that he is immediately recalling 5,000 American troops from Iraq.
And then he paused and he got a serious look on his face. He looked around at all the reporters and said, "And the bad news is that just as soon as all 5,000 troops return to the states they will be immediately deployed to Detroit.
The president said that he has promised acting mayor, Nagumba Jackson that the United States military will help him take back his city from the lawless horde of hooligans.
He stressed that these pathetic no accounts who think that they can just run rampant with their damn pants down around their thighs and bring disorder and havoc to the wonderful city of Detroit will be dealt with quickly and severely.
The president took a quick phone call and then remarked, "The Motor City punks will learn that spray-painting things on walls such as 'The 0-16 Lions suck,' 'The 74-88 Tigers suck,' 'Bring back Ivan Rodriguez,' and 'Detroit - just like Baghdad but without 4 million damn stinking camels' will not be tolerated.
He then intoned, "Okay, so the Detroit Tigers did trade 13-time all-star catcher Ivan Rodriguez to the New York Yankees for relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth. Get over it. And I mean get over it real damn fast!"
The president then said that he had spoken to General Antonio Tyrell Richwood, Jr. of the Air Force and together they would begin formulating air strike plans.
He then stated, "Now I, in no way, shape, or form want to upset or worry the good, law-abiding citizens of Detroit. But I have to say that we all know that there will be collateral damage.
But I promise that we will make every effort within our power to keep this damage to a mere morsel.
And what exactly are our intended targets? Well that is a good question, but one that I cannot answer for obvious reasons of health; namely the health of those SOB's who we are aiming to get.
But let me be very clear on this. I know that those heathen gang members will no doubt try to hide in places like schools, churches, KFC's, tattoo parlors, and Tiger Stadium.
But, let me tell those gang gooks that it ain't gonna work. You cannot hide. We will find your sorry asses.
And when the U.S. Marines, the U.S. Army, the U.S. Air Force, and the U.S. Navy get through with you, the only thing left will be some imitation pieces of bling-bling, torn do-rags, busted cans of spray paint, and the faint smell of cheap, bottom shelf wine."
I am your president, Barack 'Barry' Obama and I damn sure approve of this message. Y'all have a good day...and that is exactly what I'm talkin' about."