NEW YORK, N.Y. - Bonsanto Del Diablo Hospital spokesman Dante Infernopedeo explained that his feeding babies in neonatal units various types of alcohol conformed with standard medical practice, and that the use of aspartame on premature babies conformed with FDA guidelines.
"We have to remember, these babies probably should have been aborted anyway. Their mothers abused them prior to birth, in most cases. So, we think keeping them drunk out of their minds is a good thing.", reported Dr. Infernopedeo, sipping a diet orange soda.
Dr. Infernopedeo estimated that in baby terms, they were enjoying a case a day of beer.
Dr. Infernopedeo went on, "We say pregnant mothers should not drink. But, once we get our hands on their preemies, it's up to us. Life in a hospital can be tough, so we make it fun for the babies.. that methanol kick from the aspartame, O boy it is good!", gurgled the Doctor, as he guzzled down a few swigs of his diet orange.
When asked about possible side-effects later in life for the babies, the Doctor explained that they were counting on those babies growing up and bringing more preemies into the hospital, to continue the tradition of the US having one of the most active health care systems in the world.
I was so pleased with what the Doctor told me, dispelling many common myths about aspartame, that I decided to stay home and watch T.V. the rest of the day and drink lots of diet orange soda.