Washington, DC - In addition to being confined to a wheelchair, Cheney will also be sporting shaded spectacles and wearing a black leather glove on his right hand as well.
"Cheney was concerned with the sudden appearance of inexplicable burses on his throat," said a spokesman for the Office of the Vice President. "That gave him cause for concern so he thought it best to go see his personal physician just to be on the safe side and rule anything out."
Cheney also complained of neck pain, being awaken in the middle of the night by a choking sensation and numbness in his right hand.
"Cheney's doctor thought it best that the vice president play it save and not risk any injury to his spinal cord so he placed him in a wheelchair," continued the spokesman. "He also recommended that the vice president wear sunglass to protect his eyes because he hasn't gotten much sleep and a black leather glove to protect his right hand from any accidental injury. At least until sensitivity returns."
Of course, further medical tests have to be run. However, the consensus among members of the mental healthcare community is that Cheney is suffering the affects of having suddenly grown a conscience.
"And it's that conscience that's now trying to kill him," said Dr. Phil in a telephone interview. "In my medical opinion, Dick Cheney's conscience has manifested itself into Phantom Hand disease. Ladies and gentlemen, his right hand is literally trying to choke him to death."
Although restricted by doctor/patient confidentiality, Cheney's physician has released a written statement stating that although nothing has been ruled out at this time, he dismisses Dr. Phil's diagnosis as nothing more than quackery.
"I am a man of science. Not quackery," stated Cheney's physician. "And as such I am bound to consider only those things that fall within the realm of possibility. Therefore, as the vice president's personal physician, who has treated him throughout his life, I adamantly denounce that Cheney has grown a conscience. Although, I am seriously considering Phantom Hand disease as the cause of his present day ailments."
As a result, the good doctor has alerted the Secret Service to keep a watchful eye on Cheney's right hand throughout the Obama inauguration ceremony.
"We fully expect the vice president to suffer a full-blown Phantom Hand episode sometime during the swearing in of our nation's first-ever African-American President," said a member of Cheney's Secret Service security detail. "And we're fully prepared to take any action to prevent the vice president's right hand from choking him to death during Obama's inauguration. Even if we have to resort to force, rest assured, we will safeguard and preserve the memory of one of our country's greatest moments in history. Oh, and the life of the vice president, too, if we can."