Written by hotshot
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Topics: Attacks, Furniture

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

image for Area Door Viciously Assaulted and Ripped Asunder

A cabinet door has been viciously ripped from its hinges, beaten, stripped of its veneer finish, and reduced to small, unrecognizable chunks of particle board debris.

Reporters at the scene found area kitchen owner Fred Felber curled up in a fetal position in front of the neighborhood dumpster with an egg-size knot and a small open gash protruding out of a few blood darkened wisps of his ghostly blond hair.

"Just kill me!" he shouted at shocked and angry residents who had gathered around to solemnly gather fragments of the former door. With complete disregard for the destruction strewn about him, Felber unleashed a string of expletives while jabbering senselessly about how the door "got in my way" and how much "it freakin' hurt".

Witnesses reported seeing a wildly flailing Felber slam the defenseless door against the heavy metal dumpster repeatedly before he collapsed into a heap of insufferably worthless humanity. After being escorted back into his kitchen to confront the consequences of his heartless actions, Felber offered only an intolerably weak defense for his behavior.

"I can't tell you how many times this has happened," he whined, pointing to his minor injury. "A guy can only take so much before he loses it."

Charges against Mr. Felber are pending.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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