A leaked copy of President-Elect Barack Obama's schedule for his Inauguration on January 20th has revealed some of the events in which he will be taking a key role.
Prior to the ceremony itself, the President-Elect is to part the waters of the Potomac River, and he will then walk to the steps of the Capitol Building, where he is scheduled to cure three specially-provided lepers and resurrect Dick Cheney from the dead.
Once the ceremony itself has been concluded, the 44th President will then walk across the waters of the Lincoln Memorial and subsequently host an outdoor banquet for all the attendees, using just five loaves of bread and three fishes.
Also during his first 100 days in office, President Obama is scheduled to close Guantanemo Bay, restore the US Economy, resolve the Israel/Gaza conflict and create a universal healthcare system.
However, the President-Elect's Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, has dismissed rumours that Obama is to turn water into wine at the Inauguration Ball, saying, "that's just stupid. It's not like the President can perform miracles".