Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Monday, 19 January 2009

image for Hudson River airplane crash debris points to Lawn Chair Balloonist as the cause
"Up, Up and Away in My Beautiful Balloon"

New York, New York - Like Icarus who sailed too close to the Sun on wings partially composed of wax that melted, the Lawn Chair Balloonist so too journeyed too close to the Sun. Only instead of crashing into the sea like Icarus, it is believed the last flight of the Lawn Chair Balloonist was sucked into one of the turbine jet engines of flight 1549, forcing that pilot to make an emergency landing in the Hudson River.

"Everybody saw it coming. It was an accident waiting to happen," defiantly said a somewhat frustrated and irate wife of the Lawn Chair Balloonist, who reported her husband missing on Friday morning, the day after the downing of flight 1549. " I mean you all saw him on 'Good Morning America' right?"

In that TV interview, the Lawn Chair Balloonist aired video he took of himself as he soured high into the atmosphere and into the flight path of a small fixed winged aircraft. Dangling his feet while planes flew just yards away underneath him.

Now radar records of air traffic controllers at LaGuardia airport clearly show a misshapen blip appearing on their screens, just moments before flight 1549 reported engine trouble.

"Oh, the image was irregular alright. To say the least," said air traffic controller, Christopher Daedalus, at LaGuardia airport. "Half a dozen or so of us hovered over that radar screen like a scene from that movie 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'. Only, we weren't looking at a flying saucer, but the silhouette of a man sitting in a lawn chair with balloons tied to it. Unbelievable."

Unfortunately, by the time Daedalus and the other air traffic controllers realized what they were observing it was too late. The unidentified craft drifted directly into the flight path of rapidly approaching flight 1549.

"We attempted to contact both craft on all commercial frequencies, but we couldn't get a hold of flight 1549 in time, and we couldn't raise the unidentified craft at all," said Daedalus.

Fortunately, a security guard just happened to be grabbing a cup of coffee nearby the air traffic controller's workstation that now every body in the air traffic control tower was hovering over when Daedalus overheard some unusual chatter coming over the security guard's walkie-talkie.

"I knew it was coming from our unidentified craft," said Daedalus. "Because I could hear the roar of the approach jet engines of flight 1549 over the din of male voice singing 'Up, Up and Away in My Beautiful Balloon'. Off key, too, I might add."

Daedalus immediately gabbed the security guard's walkie-talkie and raised the unidentified craft.

"Air traffic controller to unidentified craft south-west of your present position," yelled out Daedalus into the walkie-talkie. "Abort you present trajectory. I repeat abort your present trajectory. Abort! Abort! Abort!"

Despite the heroic actions of air traffic controller Daedalus, the fate of flight 1549 ultimately rested in the capable hands of Captain Sully that day. Fortunately, no lives were lost. Or so it was thought.

"We haven't recovered a body, yet," said the FAA. "Though we have the air traffic tower's audio tapes, radar data and now debris of a twisted up lawn chair with thousands of pieces of multicolored balloon scraps. And receipts evidencing the purchase of helium balloons from right here in New York City."

FAA investigators with the assistance of the NYPD have traced the helium balloon sale receipts to one vender in Central Park in particular.

"Yeah, I remember the guy," said Mario Vanceti, Central Park helium balloon vender and self-described hypnotists who sold animal shaped helium balloons to an unidentified man on the day of the airplane crash. "I told the guy, 'Hey, your not going to do something crazy with those helium balloons like tie them to a lawn chair or something are you? Because their animal shaped, they're difficult to navigate in the upper atmosphere and are therefore likely to cause you to drift uncontrollably directly into the flight path of a commercial jet'. I guess some people just don't listen to good advice now days. Hey, what about you? You don't have any crazy ideas like that, do you? Look into my eyes. Your getting sleepy and sleeper -- Doink!"

"Up, Up and Away [singing] in My Beautiful Balloon," Huh, I wonder what I'm doing way up here among the clouds? And what's that high pitched whining sound? Like a rapidly approaching commercial jet makes on final approach."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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