Pittsburgh, PA, June 15, 2004. In a crafty move to win voter support for the November election, John Kerry announced that the first 26,000,000 voters casting their ballot for him would not have to pay their 2004 Federal Income Taxes. In an arrangement Kerry struck with his rich wife, Theresa Heinz would pay their taxes. Heinz, who is considered to be richer than anyone I know, is the widow of Sen. John Heinz, a Pennsylvania Republican and heir to the Heinz food fortune. "This is a drop in the bucket," said Heinz, waving her checkbook with the cheeta skin cover, "The way you people are pouring ketchup and pickles on your summer hamburgers, this will be painless."
In return for her support, Kerry signed a "pre-elect" agreement, agreeing that Heinz would wear a giant neon tiara during the first term of his Presidency. What Heinz gets to do during a second term was undisclosed.
One caveat for the voters, if Kerry looses the election in November, all bets are off. "In that case," Kerry said, "Pay your own damn taxes."