NEW YORK CITY, New York - President Barack Obama met with television talk show host Barbara Walters and he offered her the position of United States ambassador to the African country of Zimbabwe.
Ms. Walters who is 79, graciously accepted President Obama's offer. She smiled and said, "President sir, there is no one in America more qualified for this position than myself, Barbara Walters Katz Guber Adelson.
There is no one in the 50 states or America Samoa who knows the Republic of Zimbabwe or the Zimbabwean people better than I do."
Ms. Walters went on to say that she knows all of the words to the Zimbabwean National Anthem, and that like most Zimbaweans her favorite Zimbabwean dish is sadza porridge and curdled milk. She also added that she knows that President Robert Mugabe's favorite NFL football team is the Detroit Lions.
The host of TV's 'The View' stated that she was not only qualified for the job, but that she was actually tremendously qualified for the job.
She even went as far as to say that she was much more qualified that even Oprah Winfrey who has a summer condo in the capital city of Harare. And who contributes 27 cents a day which feeds 83 Zimbabwean children.
Ms. Walters chewing on a Tic Tac said, "In 1986, my third husband Merv Adelson and I spent our honeymoon in Zimbabwe. He kissed me in front of the famous Balancing Rocks. He got to second base in the taxi on the way to the Victoria Falls National Park.
He got to third base as we laid down on the banks beside the beautiful Zambezi River. And he finally got to hit his home run once we returned to our room (#109) at the local Motel 6.
So as you can see, I definitely hold the country near and dear to my heart. But on a more professional level. I will do everything in my power to bring the Zimbabwean people closer to attaining both economic and emotional stability. I will do all I can to increase the exports of maize, tobacco, and lion meat."
The Ambassador also said that she would travel the various backroads to visit the many and varied cities, each with it's unique culture, it's amazing environment, and it's permeating jungle smell.
She promised to visit and to mingle with the people and to learn how to prepare home-cooked meals using Hippotamus, chimpanzee, lion, and gaboon viper.
Ms. Walters vowed to talk to the townspeople of towns such as Mutare, Bindura, Gwanda, Gweru, and Gwendolyn about their incessant fear of jungle cooties, vine splinters, and Tarzan jokes.
And then Ms. Walters got somewhat solemn and said, "And in the evening when I return to my palatial palace affectionately named, 'Casa Barbara' I will kick off my Versace designer high heels, take off my No Nonsense pantyhose, prop up my lovely feet, and watch old Johnny Weissmuller Tarzan movies."
And as Ms. Walters was changing into her Victoria's Secret Nightgown For The Elderly Woman she smiled and whispered that she promised that she would embrace everyone, regardless of degrees of color and especially those who look like Whoopi Goldberg, Dikembe Mutombo, and Buckwheat."
In a related story. Ms. Walters was asked about the statement that retired professional Zimbabwean cricket player Limtipo Monobatsu made saying that the biological mother of his 38-year-old daughter Barbara Limi Monobatsu was Barbara Walters.
The Ambassador responded by saying, "I did meet Mr. Monobatsu many years ago at a McDonalds in Mutare, and as I recall he was somewhat physically attractive. We talked about the weather, wooden jungle figurines, wildebeests, and my beautiful legs but we never even took our clothes off."