Apple Inc.'s Steve Jobs has been dead for decades according to his former partner Stephen Gary "Woz" Wozniak. The fifty-nine year old admits that Jobs actually perished in a February, 1981, crash piloted by Wozniak.
"I couldn't even remember the crash for years, let alone the fact that Steve was decapitated," Woz now recalls. "It all came back after I banged my noggin while competing in the Segway Polo match last August. That concussion also shook some sense into me. I quit dating Kathy Griffin."
Apple officials have confirmed that the likeness of Jobs was an extremely elaborate hologram cooked up by the company's R & D division. The unit wasn't ready for public display until 1997. "Steve's head has been frozen and under lock-and-key for almost thirty-years, along with the recipe for Coke," Ellen Hancock, a former Apple CTO, explained.
"We've been fighting a goddamned ghost?" Microsoft's CEO Steve Ballmer screamed when told the news. "Talk about cloud computing. Those bastards beat us again."