Barack Obama today picked Tony Blair as Director of National Intelligence.
Speaking from his shelter near Gaza City, Mr. Blair said: 'Well, OK, I mean I have all the qualifications - I've wasted millions on funding this part of the world, I've always done exactly what the American President has told me to do, and I've compiled imaginary dossiers on non-existent weapons of mass destruction. Yes, I'm the perfect choice.'
When asked what a British former-Prime Minister was doing getting involved in American intelligence work, he said: 'Look, chaps, I can smile and wave and tell porkie pies that a child wouldn't believe, what else does American intelligence involve?'
'The Cold War is over, so all there's left for the US to do is doing whatever Israel tells it to do, which usually involves massacres and airstrikes on children and carpet-bombing Iraq - the intelligent bit is getting Americans to believe it's anything to do with America, and getting them to pay for it all. Even Cherie could do that, maybe she should become head of the CIA!'
But Senator Obama said: 'The position required an experienced intelligence chief, with a grasp of world affairs and America's and the West's defensive situational capacities, and, I think, to keep talking until nobody notices I never say anything of substance. We couldn't find such a person, so we hired Tony Blair - well, at least he knows how to turn a blind eye to war crimes going on in Gaza and Iraq, and how to grin like an idiot, and how to sound polite about saying nothing much in particularly much.'
Russian intelligence workers, who were monitoring Mr. Obama, called in code-breakers to decipher what the Senator was really meaning with these comments, but found it wasn't really anything much, except to 'do what Israel says, send them weapons and cash, ignore the war crimes, blame the Arabs, smile and wave, make the Americans think they're not being used.'
Tony Blair said: 'Um, you know, I'll be doing all that as Director of National Intelligence, apart from sending weapons and cash to Israel, as only complete fools would do that, the sort that believe CNN is really true.'
And when it was pointed out that the civilian death toll in Gaza went over 800 today, while Hamas rockets had just killed a fraction of this amount, Mr. Blair said: 'It's OK! We've just found weapons of mass destruction in a Palestinian garage, so now it's a war on terror and totally justified, and it will cost America millions, and kill more and more Palestinian civilians! Take that child away, please, I can't stand the sight of blood.'