Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 10 January 2009

image for Yellowstone National Park: Quakin' and Shakin' Like The Left Coast
Three young teenage girls at Yellowstone National Park, relaxing between the earthquakes

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyoming - Scientists and geologists throughout America are puzzled as to what is causing the hundreds of earthquakes at Yellowstone National Park.

Tucker McRemington, the park's executive director said that if he didn't know any better he'd swear the park was located in California instead of Wyoming.

He added that if all of these earthquakes do not stop and stop soon that Yellowstone National Park might just end up down in Colorado.

McRemington said that dozens of park rangers are reporting that literally hundreds of park species including mammals, birds, and fish are all scared out of their wits and are starting to act extremely weird ala Andy Dick.

Park campers (the ones that have not left yet) report that wooodpeckers are not pecking, beavers are not damning, and humpback whales are not humping.

Even the park's number one attraction, Old Faithful Geyser, which normally erupts every 90 minutes has been thrown completely out of whack. It now erupts every eight minutes and fourteen seconds.

And today, it was reported that Yellowstone's Caldera Volcano is missing. It is gone. But there are reports coming out of China that a group of cave explorers in Shanghai reportedly came across some lava that is believed to be from Caldera.

Samples have been gathered and are being sent by UPS to The Peking Ming Chow Boo DNA 24-Hour Lab & Chinese Fire Drill Services Agency for analyzing.

Also, a Hong Kong couple who was out shopping for a China cabinet and Chinese checkers reportedly came across what is believed to be a golf cart.

The man, Chang Chong Chen, no relation to Tommy Chong, told a reporter for Shanghai's TV Channel 11, known as 'The Big Happy Ereven' (sic) that the back of the cart had a sign that read:


Another situation that has gotten out of hand is that the park's flora is now where the fauna should be and the fauna is now where the flora should be. No word as of yet on the Falana (Lola).

Meanwhile a group comprised of animal organizations consisting of The Humane Society, PETA, and Athletic Nuns For Critters, has started the monumental process of gathering up all of the remaining park wildlife.

Yellowstone Director of Public Relations Kazuki Hirosaki said that the park officials held an emergency meeting at one of the local Cheyenne Starbucks and have decided that all of the park's bears will be gathered up and transported to Chicago.

The lions will be moved to Detroit. The wolves will be trucked over to Minnesota. The bison will be flown to Buffalo (New York). The grizzlies will be sent to Memphis. The pacers will be FedExed to Indiana, and the lone dolphin, Flipper VIII is already on his way to...Miami? No, San Diego.

Park officials had originally planned on flying all of the elk up to Alaska, but then they remembered that, that is where 'Shotgun Sarah' Palin lives.

So they figured that the elk would be a whole lot safer and stress-free roaming around on President Bush's Texas ranch, The Lazy Bar B Arrogant Longhorn Ranch.

But the saddest story by far concerns Yellowstone's world-wide famous personality...Yogi Bear. Yes Yogi, who recently turned 50, has been loaded into a horse trailer and driven to the Cheyenne airport.

Park officals decided that it would be in his best interest to transport the totally stressed out Yogi to a safer place. His plane lands in Los Angeles at 4 p.m. (California time).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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