CHICAGO, IL - Two workers finished installing an old-fashioned barber's chair in the Senate Chamber this morning. Blagojevich says it will permanently replace the Senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama and "add a touch of class" to the Capitol Complex.
The richly decorated, one-of-a-kind barber's chair many have dubbed "The Commander," was custom made right here in the United States and could not be a more perfect fit for the Senate Chamber. It sits on an oversized hydraulic base modeled to simulate an Ionic column and electroplated with gold. Solid steel ball bearings encased in graphite ensure the chair's smooth, quiet operation in the Senate Chamber. The cast aluminum footrest, also plated in gold, is emblazoned with an American eagle and kicks out in sync with the chair back recline. Its solid 1 ½" thick mahogany arms and footrest support are meticulously finished to match the Senate desks, with crimson red finished leather upholstery completing the piece.
Democratic and Republican Senators alike say they are annoyed that Blagojevich has taken it upon himself to have the barber's chair installed, indicating that he has no authority to do so. They have nothing against the chair itself, which they say is fully qualified to occupy the Senate Chamber. In fact, they admitted, it's a fine example of American craftsmanship.
However, the Senate does object strongly to Blagojevich's appointment of his own personal barber to occupy the position of Chief Tonsorial Executive, saying this will give him undue influence in the overall appearance of the Senate. They showed strong bipartisan agreement in condemning the appearance of Blagojevich's hair, and noted his current legal battle against a certain red-and-white-checkered-overall-wearing diner trademark for copyright infringement.
As unfazed as ever, Blagojevich shrugged off any objections to his behavior, slipping the newly appointed Chief Tonsorial Executive a $10 bill to pencil him in for a haircut to take place while Senate is in session. "If you could show me any law on the books that says I can't get this haircut, I would cancel the appointment. But I haven't broken any law," he argued. "I'm just doing my dead level best to make sure this chair is occupied."