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Thursday, 8 January 2009

image for Global Warming Goes on Vegas Crime Spree, Resurfaces as Climate Change
Global Warming menaced Vegas before vanishing and then resurfacing as Climate Change

Las Vegas, NV - Scientists' fears of Global Warming were vindicated as it began a vicious crime spree on the Las Vegas strip on Wednesday, indulging in criminal acts ranging from vandalism (urinating in the fountain pool of the Bellagio) to strongarm robbery (taking candy from a young boy at gunpoint) and other, more heinous crimes.

Local residents have barricaded themselves inside their houses and sacrificed their firstborn kittens as instructed by police, but this seemed to have not abated Global Warming's wrath as it went on to rob a string of banks, pawn shops, and strip clubs before being spotted outside the Luxor selling stolen Rolex watches and managing a group of five prostitutes in its employ.

After several unproductive shootouts with police ending in severe sunburn and unreasonable hysteria for a number of officers, Global Warming slipped away into the night, taunting police and shouting repeatedly "who's the b*tch now?"

"Global Warming is obviously out of control and something's gotta be done about it," opined Las Vegas Metro Sheriff Rob Timmins, "Las Vegans will just have to cut their carbon emissions by 100%. We recommend burning their own waste instead of foolishly flushing it down the toilet, forsaking electricity, and buying new shoes because they will be walking a lot after we ban the burning of fossil fuels for civilian purposes. We'll be switching to all-renewable energy, should only take a handful of decades, give or take one. That'll show Global Warming that we won't be pushed around."

When asked whether such a desperate plan was necessary even in the wake of Global Warming's rampage, Timmins said only,

"It's not as bad as it sounds. I'll have power. The President will have power, the IRS will have power. You just won't, at least not for fifty-or-so years. Don't worry, burning human waste doesn't smell as bad as you might think."

As Las Vegas authorities prepared to shut down all fossil fuel burning in their attempt to thwart Global Warming in the early morning hours, it reappeared outside of a mall in Henderson, where it was caught trying to use a fake credit card in the name of someone named "Climate Change." This strategy is apparently not new, as Global Warming has in the past used many aliases, such as Clobal Cooling, Alien Invasion, Nuclear War, World War III, and Terrorism. Few are able to draw any conclusions from this fact.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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