YONKERS, New York - Disgraced financier Bernard Madoff is accused of duping investors out of as much as $50 billion in a giant Ponzi scheme.
A reporter for The Baltimore Express Times News spoke with several high profile individuals who had invested with Madoff.
Ryan Seacrest revealed that he had invested over $7 million with Madoff. He said that the entire amount went into a company named Pharma-Ethical Aviasham Inc. PEA as it is known is the leading manufacturer of birth control pills for parrots, parakeets, and cockatoos.
When Seacrest was asked to comment on his rather unusual investment he replied, "You do know that I am going to be the next Dick Clark right? And tell Larry King that if he oversleeps, he's yesterday's toast and his show becomes Ryan Seacrest Live."
Heather Locklear, 47, is another well known personality who invested quite a lot of money with Bernie Madoff.
Locklear was reported to have said, "Damn that piece of East River driftwood Bernard Madoff. And damn Richie Sambora (her ex-husband) for convincing me to invest our money with Madoff."
Heather, reportedly had told her ex-husband she wanted to put her money into something that would bring in tons and tons of cash like Exxon-Mobil, Conoco-Phillips, Texaco-Chevron, or McDonalds.
But she said that Madoff convinced Sambora that drive-in movie theaters were coming back. So Locklear invested $2 million in a company called The Way Out Yonder Drive-In Theater Company."
Locklear, working out on a treadmill stated that now thanks to that Stephen Spielberg-looking mofo Madoff, it looks like she will probably have to put out a sexy, revealing poster to bring in some income.
She remarked that another option would be for her to go on 'Dancing With The Stars' and get billions of dollars in free publicity like Chloris Leachman, Marie Osmond, and Priscilla Presley all did.
But one thing about Heather Locklear, she is a survivor and she truly feels that some agent or producer will see that she is still pretty as the dickens with a body that women half her age wish they had...and maybe, perhaps maybe she will be cast in a sitcom or be featured in a motion picture.
Ann Coulter, the GOP blonde pit bull herself, handed over $3 million to Madoff. And he supposedly invested it in The Greater Machu Pichu Trailer Park Corporation. Coulter said that Madoff sounded and acted so honest.
He even showed her the ruins in a before and after photograph shoot. And Ms. Coulter said that the trailers looked so pretty in that ancient Peruvian settlement setting.
In other news. Reports out of Tinseltown are saying that Warner Brothers Pictures has signed the Jonas Brothers to play the three leads in the new motion picture, 500 Miles To The Lemon Tree - The Story of Peter, Paul, and Mary. It is not known, as of yet, which brother will be portraying Mary Travers.