Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Drugs, Medical

Monday, 5 January 2009

image for The Gringo Drug Wars
Cholesterol lowering pills 'Purpy-Graysters' (photo courtesy of Oprah Winfrey)

MODESTO, California - The world of drugs is often times a dungeon of dark and mysterious underworld wheelings and dealings. Drug cartels continue to viciously battle each other to be the top dog in the drug house.

Two of Colombia's top drug cartels are The Cali Cartel and The Valle del Norte (North Valley) Cartel. Mexico's two most powerful drug cartels are The Gulf Cartel and The Sinaloa Cartel.

And although those four cartels are highly professional and tremendously brutal they cannot hold a candle to the competition that is occurring.

Dozens of U.S. groups have been posturing to be number one in the nation. And as of today, the top drug group in the country is J&J.

They have managed to caputure 17% of the American drug business including prescription, over-the-counter, and on-the-street corner.

And J&J did it thanks to their sale of birth control pills (BCP-17-XP) which went through the roof or actually the throat.

Bristol Meyers has the blood thinner market pretty well sewn up. BM CEO Herb Hitchcock said that BM's blood thinning pills, known as 'Red Sifters' are the Lamborghini's of the blood thinning pill industry.

Meanwhile, another top drugs manufacturer stated that no drug provider can touch their cholesterol pills for effectiveness.

These deep purple and battleship gray colored pills are known throughout the world as being able to pulverize normal cholesterol seven times faster than the second most popular cholesterol pill.

And the pills known as 'Purpy-Graysters' are the preferred cholesterol pill of teachers, miners, the homeless, and circus high wire artists throughout America (and Alaska).

In the asthma inhaler department, M&C produce more AI's than the next three leading companies combined.

The Tarzana Daily Chronicle stated that the number of asthma inhalers sold in southern California alone is higher than the total amount of bean and cheese burritos that the 914 El Taco Terrifico Restaurants in East Los Angeles sell in just one hour.

Garth L. Brightwood, a retired carrot taster, living in Santa Barbara, California, who has been using Merck asthma inhalers for over 40 years remarked, "I used to use an asthma inhaler that was produced by the Saudi Arabian drug firm Abdullah, Schwartz & Yousef.

But then I read in the December issue of Sports Illustrated that due to budgetary cuts A, S, & Y has recently started manufacturing their asthma inhalers using the hair from camel nostrils. Well friends I switched over to Merck faster than you could ask 'one hump or two?'"

So while the drug cartels battle it out in Colombia and Mexico. The American Pharmaceutical Organizations continue to strive to be "El Numero Uno" in The North of The Border Gringo Drug Wars.

In other news. Scientists at California's Left Coast Oceanic Institute report that the Pacific Ocean is a lot wetter than it has been in the past 50 years.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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