At approximately 6am this morning, a man suddenly stepped ashore in the picnic area of East Patomic Park. Witnesses said there were no boats in the area and there was nothing to hide him before he appeared. One witness who spoke on the condition of anonymity said "I don't know dude, but this gnarly old dude really harshed my mellow. Someone dosed me at a party, so like, you know, he had this weird glow about him and I didn't know if he was real or not.
Then he started mumbling that he was Ronnie of Hollywood, or something, and he had something that would save me. I thought he meant he had some oxycottins or something which was righteous to my ears because at that point I had been peaking for 5 solid hours and really wanted to crash.
I asked him how much dude and he said it was free, but I could donate $2000, or whatever. I told him, dude, I‘ll like take the free one. He looked at me like I was gay or something and said, listen here you little punk, I am offering you salvation and all you can cough up for me is a hairball.
Well, let me say this about that, back in the day, and then he mumbled something about Dragnet and Blue Boy, or whatever and got the glow in his eyes like his skin. He was flipping me out so I gave him a five and told him to just forget about the drugs and there he goes again with the look, then he says, there you go again, I said just say no, and besides I was just going to give you this and he handed me a voter registration card with the party already filled in. Fill out this card and go beat up some commies or liberals or someone but stay away from those drugs.
I took his card and started walking away , but his condescension was really starting to piss me off. So I scream at him, you god damn worthless prick of a motherf…At this point I turned around and he had vanished. I realized I had just seen a miracle and want to share it with the world. If you use my name I will deny everything and please don't tell my mom".