Written by Don Fulsom
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Topics: Oprah Winfrey, Diet

Friday, 2 January 2009

Declaring, "I'm just a born fatso," Oprah Winfrey shoved dieting aside and vowed to write a book called "The Quick Weight-Gain Diet."

The TV talk show queen said she is "mad as hell" about "letting myself go" and ballooning up to 300 pounds. But, blaming a thyroid condition and a failed gastric band procedure, Winfrey confessed, "I'm actually a lot happier at this weight-so bring on the triple-fried fast foods and strawberry malteds! I'll have some amazing tips for larding on a 'protective coat' of winter poundage in my magazine, and will author a pro-fatness paperback in the near future."

In announcing her backsliding ways in the weight department, Oprah blasted the doctor who stapled her stomach into a teeny organ so she could eventually tumble from 400 pounds to 150 pounds in only sixteen weeks.

She called the doctor "a fraud and a charlatan" for not telling her the staple could come undone by gastric fluids-which it apparently did in her case. Oprah might have given away a little personal romantic secret when she indiscreetly (or drunkenly?) let it be known that "my domestic partner and traveling companion, that younger woman I'm dating, Gail, she likes me this huge."

Oprah did not say whether her book would be truthful. Two books she recently recommended turned out to have been hoaxes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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