Written by Monkey Woods

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Topics: Money, FBI, Nose

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

image for FBI Arrests Man Who Wipes His Nose On $100 Bills
There's no money in handkerchiefs

Mohamad Ahtiziou, the former handkerchief tycoon from Ohio who famously uses 100$ bills to wipe his nose, has been arrested and taken away for questioning by FBI agents.

Ahtiziou was at his Chicago home on Sunday, when operatives burst through his front door whilst he was watching Cartoon Network. He had earlier ridded his conk of several liters of green mucus, which he had despatched into crisp new 100$ banknotes.

The snot-nosed millionaire, who is prone to a variety of nasal irritations, made his fortune in the handkerchief-manufacturing industry, before it blew up in his face in 2004, forcing him to sell the business for a cool $700billion.

Mr Ahtiziou, once arrested in 2001 for suspected money-laundering, has now gone to the other extreme, and is concentrating on soiling the greenbacks that made him rich.

Interviewed this morning, an FBI spokesman told us to:

"Fuck off."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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