WASHINGTON DC - Dr. Strangedeath issued an emergency press release recalling over 9,000 products containing aspartame. The aspartame was causing over 92 different symptoms when the food items were consumed by humans.
Dr. Strangedeath told TheSpoof.com that he was shocked to hear that people actually ate junk food. It was never intended that people would actually eat all those products laden with aspartame. Maybe monkeys, but not people!
Dr. Strangedeath explained that the food items were meant to be placed in pantries and used to lure and kill insects and rodents.
As he explained, "What sort of person would actually eat that crap, anyway? I mean it is used to pickle sushi garnishes! We read in TheSpoof.com story that the main thing aspartame was being used for was as an ant killer. That was fine with us. But then we heard that Bill Clinton had questioned the use of aspartame in his Sushi. This was a wake-up call.
"Our staff did the research and we found that aspartame has done a lot of damage to people stupid enough to eat this insecticide! So, we are quite sorry. Please excuse us."
At this point I left my diet orange soda on Dr. Strangedeath's desk and went into the men's room and stuck my finger down my throat. I have been feeling much bettor.