Groom Lake, Nevada - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Retro-engineered footage of Ray Santilli's seminal Area 51 alien autopsy video has uncovered Barack Obama's birth secrets according to SETI - Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence - organization sources.
The undoctored images reveal the aftermath of a tragic Caesarean section that killed the alien mother of Rev Jesse Jackson's first-born.
The half-human, half-Democrat spawn has barely been snatched from his host incubation orifice when a Pentagon Thought Police official tattoos his ass with an encrypted military barcode and 'Best Before 4 November 2008' sell-by date.
Nearby an incoming telex from the Kremlin spells out precise instructions for the long term secure storage of the newborn's birth certificate.
General Colon Bowel then performs a ritual Hellfire Club circumcision before swallowing the severed prepuce.
Oprah Winfrey is 69.