Written by ej moore
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Topics: Americans, Polls

Saturday, 12 June 2004

image for Polls show national depression lifting as Ronald Reagan is finally buried
The dead Reagan was well-guarded from ghouls.

After almost a week of ongoing funereal festivities, recent polls show that Americans are beginning to feel happier now that former President Ronald Reagan has finally been laid to rest.

"Sure, he was one hell of an actor but all that televised mourning was just too gloomy," said Tom Barnington, a former Reagan fan. "I hope this sick spectacle won't be repeated as other Hollywood stars bite the dust."

Barnington, who said he visited his physician on Tuesday to procure what he termed "happy pills," went on to tell The Spoof that whenever he turned on his television he felt "so saturated with depression" that he actually contemplated suicide.

"I considered offing myself just to escape those images of death," he said. "Every channel showed the same thing and because the weather was so hot, all I could think of was Reagan's body bloating in the casket with decomposing gasses and fungi."

Comparing his experience to "being trapped in the movie Night of the Living Dead," Barnington's comments were no different from thousands of other Americans polled.

"I almost lost all hope," said Mitzi Swendish who admitted she cried all week because networks pre-empted her favorite daytime dramas with photos of Reagan's casket. "I have no idea what Tabitha Lenox is up to on Passions and it's driving me nuts!"

Swendish, a stay-at-home mom, admitted that she drank countless martinis in an effort to dull the anguish and despair she felt at not being able to watch her "favorite shows." She also expressed disbelief that so many soldiers were needed to guard Reagan's body.

"Like, who is sick enough to steal a dead president's corpse?" she added.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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