NORTH POLE - Saint Nicholas is going Green this holiday season. In a bid to do his part to stave off a global warming epidemic threatening to melt the North Pole, the right jolly old elf has purchased a new hybrid model sleigh just in time for Christmas.
Manufactured by the Honda corporation, the sleigh boasts a sleek design and the most advanced lithium ion battery technology available today. The specially manufactured sleigh also features a custom onboard computer that handles the task of switching the sleigh from reindeer to electric power. With a twinkle in his eye, Santa proclaimed, "The new design will cut reindeer emissions by 40%!"
Saint Nick normally prefers to buy American, so the choice to go with Honda's proposal was a bit of a surprise. He says he initially approached General Motors about a prototype, but after GM's product chief Bob Lutz called global warming a "crock of shit," he reconsidered. "You know, that sort of implies a lot of GM's marketing of late is a crock of shit, too!" exclaimed jolly old Saint Nick laughing, his belly jiggling like a bowl full of jelly.
But Lutz won't be getting a stocking full of coal this year. Santa has done away with this long standing tradition, noting that "coal is the dirtiest fossil fuel of all." Instead, those children making Santa's "naughty list" will now simply get nothing at all, completely eliminating their carbon stocking-footprint. He has also considered replacing the coal with carbon offsets.
To his credit, Santa has reduced his toy factory's emissions by a whopping 80% since 1998, and uses advanced recycling techniques in all toy production. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen have been fed 100% organic grain since 2002, and their solid waste, as well as the prancing and pawing of their little hooves, powers his highly efficient production line. Rudolph's nose now uses solar cells to recharge. And next year, Santa will be seeking a manufacturer for an even more advanced fuel cell powered sleigh that produces zero emissions and promises to be as quiet as "the down of a thistle."
To symbolize these exciting new changes, Mrs. Claus has outfitted Mr. Claus in a smart new Green suit, from his head to his foot. Santa hopes his example will be an influence around the world. "It's time to act before there is no more North Pole," he says. "Christmas trees are turning brown. My reindeer keep sinking into the melted permafrost. Ice floes are disappearing so rapidly that polar bears are getting stuck out on hundreds of miles of open water. I've barely been able to keep up with toy production this year because so many elves are on rescue detail."
On the heels of the first increase in gas consumption since April, Santa's concerns are well founded. He advises families to, "Just stay in for some milk and cookies! Even visions of sugarplums dancing in your head are better than driving around in the cold." Laying his finger aside of his nose, he added with a wink of his eye, "Unless you have an electric car!"