The total casualty count from US terrorism is increasing as suspicious white powders continue to surface across the nation.
The famous Pillsbury Doughboy remains in serious but stable condition after being accidentally hosed by a FEMA haz-mat team, in response to a suspicious white powder found in executive offices.
When conscious enough to speak with reporters, Doughboy stated, "I'm proud to be a Floured American, and my reaction to this unfortunate accident is to consider it part of the price of patriotism. This is a diverse nation, and many doughs are misunderstood."
Relieved co-workers shared Doughboy's statement via satellite, sending him gift baskets of butter, sugar, flour and water. Betty Crocker airlifted a special mix of vanilla flavoring to Doughboy in hopes it would cheer her friend.
"These people will pay," she said.
Hospital workers asked that gifts of powdered donuts, culprit of the earlier Pillsbury ontagion scare, be donated to victims of the September 11 attacks.
"They need them more that Dough," said a nurse.
Doughboy declared he would not pursue legal action against FEMA, although one allegedly enthusiastic team member repeatedly aimed her hose at Doughboy's belly.
In a related incident, Johnson & Johnson Industries experienced unease yesterday when a white powder scare was reported in their baby products division. Mona Talcum, official spokesperson for the baby powder giant, told reporters the suspicious white powder found leaking from a janitor's cleaning cart was simply a bleaching agent, and only posed a threat to germs and stubborn stains.
Copyright emily moorehead, 2001. Please do not copy in any manner, print or electronic, without permission from the author. However, the link to this page may be freely shared.