Philadelphia PA-- Holiday fruitcake was recalled in dozens of states after millions of people were sickened. The ingredients of the fruitcake were found to be both highly toxic and "possibly extraterrestrial" according to the Center for Diseased Cakes (CDC) in Atlanta. Symptoms of eating the tainted fruitcake include: fever, nausea, vomiting, and a ravenous desire for watching Broadway musicals.
The fruitcakes were made by the Nastycake Baking Company of Philadelphia. A spokesperson for Nastycake claims the recipe is hundreds of years old.
Dr. Noel Well from the CDC listed some of the mystery ingredients for TheSpoof.com. Dr. Well worked with various scientists including exobiologists, Egyptologists, vulcanologists, nuclear physicists and organic chemists to determine the ingredients of the awful fruitcake.
"The crunchy little green things in the fruitcake are definitely extraterrestrial. The green things are a cross between plants and animals. They contain circular DNA and are probably not poisonous. I don't think anyone would want to eat them though! NASA has been notified of the discovery." said Dr.Well.
"The little chewy red things in the fruitcake are cut up pieces of Egyptian mummies! They are probably from the First Dynasty. Bits of mummy wrapping in the fruitcake are included. Also not something sane people would eat."
Dr. Well said the other ingredients were just too disgusting to talk about. He did mention nuclear physicists were very curious about the fruitcakes extreme density and they believe it could be an unknown form of matter.
"It's possible the fruitcake is also made from dark matter. But I don't think people should be eating dark matter either." said Dr. Well.