Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Al Franken

Friday, 19 December 2008

image for Well It's Senator Al Franken (Finally!)
Senator Al "Well People It's About Friggin' Time Huh" Franken

ST. PAUL, Minnesota - Well after seven long weeks of recounting and re-recounting, and re-re-recounting it appears to be official. Democrat Al Franken has defeated Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman.

To many seasoned political observers it appears that the state of Minnesota was just trying to get into The Guiness Book of World Records, for having the longest political election recount in the history of the civilized world.

State election officials reported finding ballots stuffed in trash cans, dog houses, high school lockers, and even in a Minneapolis stripper's G-string.

Coleman reportedly said that it is still not over. And Franken replied, "Oh, it's over. Believe the hell out of me. It's over if I have to kidnap you myself and tie you up and dump you up in Sarah Palin's frozen home state of Alaska. Trust me Kermit, it's over."

When asked by a reporter for The Minneapolis Daily Weekly if he had any comments to make to the citizens of The Gopher State Franken said, "Go Gophers! I want to humbly thank all of the people of Minnesota who voted for me.

"And to those individuals who didn't vote for me I say this...and I say it with no hard feelings. May the biggest mofoing mosquitoes in the Western Hemisphere bite you on your ass where you are not able to sit down without screaming your aforementioned ass off.

"And let me just add this. My political victory just goes to prove to those comedic doubters out there that humor will win out over drama. Satires and parodies will trump smugness and arrogance. And knock-knock jokes will clobber knick-knack bureaucracy.

"It is crystal clear that one liners will triumph over hard-liners and that hyperbole will kick thousands of sarcastic asses in their sarcastic asses.

"Yes my patient friends...it has been a long seven weeks, but it was worth it. I am thrilled, especially since I had already had my official senator of Minnesota stationery printed out.

"I also had the senator's official state seal sewn onto seven of my boxer shorts. And I was already introducing my spouse as the beautiful wife of a Minnesota senator.

"People have asked me what my first order of official business will be. My first order of offical business will be to start up a state-wide petition drive to force my opponent Normy Coleman to leave Minnesota for good.

"I want him out of The Land of 10,000 Lakes. I want him to move to Wisconsin, Iowa, or one of the Dakotas. I don't care pick one.

"Secondly, I will be instructing the state attorney general to issue a warrant for Coleman's arrest on grounds of leaving Minnesota without a traveler's permit, which is a little known Minnesota statute (State Statue Number 99-47-12403-PP dated March 14, 1916).

"I also plan to meet tomorrow with my attorney, Lyndon Remington, of the law firm Remington, Fopdoddle, Hatgruffin, and Firkin about drawing up the necessary lawsuit papers.

"I plan to sue Normy Coleman for putting me through this needless worry, uncertainty, concern, and stress. I am asking for $6 million but I am prepared to settle out of court for $5 million."

In other news, Amy Winehouse did not go out anywhere yesterday. A close friend said she just stayed in her bedroom and counted all of the freckles, tattoos, scars, piercings, blemishes, and spider veins on her body.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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