A blue-ribbon drinking panel of scientists is trying to determine the best way to detect and shoo off any wandering space rocks that might be on a collision course with Planet Earth. "We've been sitting and studying for the killer asteroid,'' Henry Beasley , of the University of Hawaii's Institute for Astronomy , last week told the committee that the National Academy of Sciences created at Congress' request.
"Unfortunately, grimaced Beasley while trying to sit, "we've also discovered the killer hemroids from sitting so much while we studied."
Congress asked the academy to conduct the study after astronomers were unable to eliminate the chance that an asteroid called Apophis will slam into Earth with devastating effect in 2036.
"Apophis was discovered in 2004 about 17 million, two-hundred thousand and three miles from Earth on a course that would overlap our planet's orbit in 2029 and return seven years later", stated Alice Laughton, another scientist on the blue-ribbon drinking panel. "We're sitting around on pins and needles."
"Because of the killer astroid?", asked a reporter.
"Because of the killer hemroids", stated Laughton.
Observers said that the asteroid - a massive boulder left over from the birth of the solar system - is about 1,002 feet wide and weighs at least 50 million tons, give or take a million.
After further observations, astronomers reported that the asteroid would skim by Earth harmlessly in 2029, but it has a fair chance of slamming into our planet on Easter Sunday, April 13th, 2036 on it's return.
The blue-ribbon drinking panel advised that you set your clock back on Saturday night, April 14th to, like forever.