SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Following the election of Barack Obama, the South, proving true to its "Red State" heritage in casting so many electoral votes for McCain, issued a press release to the North stating that they would like to trade Virginia and North Carolina for West Virginia and Kentucky.
More surprisingly, the South also proposed that a new, improved Mason Dixon line be placed so as to cut Missouri directly in half, the upper half being conceded to the North. Further reports indicate that the South may also have plans to cut economic ties to Florida, which it calls "too Cuban, too Jewish, too gay" and "not really part of the South anyway."
Fueling these events are white voters of the South, who turned out in record numbers Tuesday to make their votes count against millions of black voters. Though election results painted a red swath across most of the former Confederacy, many Southern white voters still feel cheated.
"Why does HE have to be our president?" Said Rhett Neck of Alabama. "We beat those other ones fair and square! Dadgum Yankees ain't got a lick of sense. It's a dark day for politics, if you know what I mean."
Others disagree, among them Keyshondra O'Malley of Atlanta, GA. "I think it's great. Finally, I can truly feel like I'm represented," she said. "It's about time we had a half-white president."
In view of the election results, many believe Texas has plans to simply annex most of the Great Plains and Rocky Mountains and secede from the United States entirely, with George W. Bush as president of the resulting Republic of Texas. President Bush has indicated in the past that "these areas is... already intersecting subsets of Texas, anyway."