Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich resigned Saturday amid intense pressure from the media, politicians, and street rats. Blagojevich was defiant in his departure, insisting that he is innocent and that "history will judge me favorably."
The resignation was expected by many, though the last couple of days made many wonder what was going through Blagojevich's mind. "He's nuts," said one family friend. "Bonkers," said another. "But he's got a huge package," noted his wife.
Sources indicate that the resignation was part of a brokered deal. Blagojevich will plead guilty next week to a felony and be sentenced to a term of probation. In exchange for stepping down, he will be named head of the Spelling Challenged Unnamed Men foundation. SCUM has been near and dear to his heart for obvious reasons.
Blagojevich noted that his resignation was a tremendous opportunity. "This turned out to be bigger than selling the f---ing Senate seat," he bragged at the Saturday press conference. He continued, "I'm going to make more f---ing money from this. Holy f---ing s--t!"
He also promised to invite prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to a SCUM meeting, noting that many have had trouble with that last name, including Jon Stewart. "Or is it John Stewart? Maybe we should invite him too."