ST. LOUIS, Missouri - The Raveon Corporation, hurting from dwindling sales due to the fact that a lot of today's women are opting not to wear makeup has decided to get into the pantiliner business.
So on Valentine's Day, 2009, Raveon will unveil, it's brand new line of Pamela Anderson Pantiliners. The new PAP's as they are being marketed will come in a dazzling array of six colors; Virgin White, Wedding Day Off-White, Honeymoon Pink, Luscious Lavender, Cherry Crotch, and Apricot Nectar.
Raveon CEO, Marleen Rickenbacker told Ryan Seacrest of E! News, "Sadly, we have reached a point where today's women between the ages of 18-28 are making the individual choice of not wearing makeup. Or at least not as much makeup as their mothers and step mothers used to use."
A recent cosmetic study that included 49 states (Montana was omitted) clearly shows that when it comes down to it that 97% of all American men could not care less if a woman wore eye-liner, mascara, lipstick, eye shadow, or Aunt Jemina Pancake Mix.
One cosmetic study participant Pasquale 'The Big Breakfast Sausage' Manicotti, 39, of Hoboken, New Jersey said, "Hey, I do notta care a Schnauzer's navel abouta whata my women's (Trina, Verna, and Acetylene) wear up there on their faces.
"Now, let me say this, what the 'Big Breakfast Sausage' here does care about is that nice little piece of real estate down south...you know right below that equatorial bikini line.
"Now that peaks my interest; that little fine as strawberry wine patch of tillable land that I lovingly like to refer to as my woman's (EXPLETIVE DELETED BY NICHOLAS FONTENAC, CHIEF EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF THE INTERNATIONAL EXPLETIVE DELETED ASSOCIATION, LICENSE #919-2105X)."
When Seacrest asked Miss Anderson how she felt about having her picture appear on a box of pantiliners, she smiled and replied, "Well Ryan, I see no problem with that...I mean I am a girl right?"
Ryan blushed, looked down at his Nike's and answered meekly, "Yes."
Anderson then added, "And remember Lindsay Lohan has had her picture appear on a box of Paul Bunyan brand condoms... and I believe that two years ago Heidi Klum had her likeness on a can of jock itch powder.
"And Ryan, let me tell you that the intimate feminine business is a very lucrative one. My agent, Rolando of Rodeo Drive worked out one of the best deals in the history of the intimate feminine business for me."
"He signed a five year contract that will pay me 9 cents for each Pamela Anderson Pantiliner that they sell. Think about it Ryan, my goodness the pantiliner sales in Las Vegas alone could bring in close to $3 million a month.
"Well, Ryan, hon, it's been great talking with you. But I have to go now. Rolando and I are meeting with the tampon people about possibly putting my likeness on one of those pink applicator doohickeys."
In other news, The terrorist organization calling itself, 'The Acme Ransom Alliance #7' has told the Fox Network that they want to release kidnapped GOP supporter Ann Coulter. They have now lowered their original ransom demand from $2 million to $10,000.
A Fox representative told the kidnappers that Fox has lowered the amount that they will pay from $900 to $400.