Written by Chris Winn
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Coming off last Spring's attempt to prolong the working careers of the 'Baby Boomer' generation, members of Congress have had their heads hanging.

The end of the massive 'Baby Boomer' working career is nearing. Giving heed to the slowing market, devaluing American dollar and increasing unemployment rates, the American Legislative Branch sought measures to encourage the generation to prolong their working careers. Weary of procuring tax breaks to companies that would provide 401k boosts, extra vacation time or retirement incentives, Congress decided to pursue a more creative path.

After receiving presentations from dozens of respected members in the medical field, an experiment was constructed. The government would issue a six-month prescription of Viagra to every working male over the age of 50.

"A healthy, robust sex life is one of the greatest motivators and driving forces in the world," said D-Senator Jon Wilcox of Massachusetts. "We assumed that a catalyst to the aging American libido would correlate to an invigorated work force, both in the office and bedroom."

Reportedly, people that had been planning to retire in the near future were reconsidering, given the recently dubbed "The Boner Bill." There was an anticipated decline in retirement by 17%, according to various worker unions from around the country. This was a moral boost, considering that the anticipated Baby Boomer retirement would be nearly 35% greater than the typical annual rate, sending shockwaves throughout the economy.

The actual outcome of the erection-inducing experiment seemed completely unprecedented to Congress.

"When I heard what America had in store for me, continuing to work was the last thing on my mind. But I can bet you guess what was the first!" said Michel Johannson, a now retired mechanic for General Motors.

Apparently, the injection of erectile producing drugs into the aging male population created incentive to divorce the work force, and rekindle the passion of yesteryear with their wives.

There was some backlash from the female population however, "Richard always wants to go at it, it's like he's back in college, says he can't fall asleep unless we make love," said Julie McCoy, wife of a recently retired financial accountant. "Trust me, it's not making love. I'm going through menopause, and Dick's a walking hard-on. Way to screw the women again, America."

Retirement rates actually jumped as a result of this historic distribution. After polling a number of executives, the resounding consensus was, "well duh." Of the executives that responded to our calls, the majority of which were female, heavy criticism was voiced towards the government.

Mary Larussa, CEO of Riff Consulting said, "Our government gave an entire population of matured and financially stable men chemically induced hard-ons. Forget the strip club, back room handjobs, or online porn memberships. We've created a subculture of 50-year olds plopped in their recliners playing with themselves."

Oddly enough, almost every male executive contacted was "busy with his secretary."

The most surprising result from the experiment has been an influx in travel to Northern California. Reinvigorating the lifestyle that many enjoyed in the 1970's, recently retired swingers are on the rise.

Todd Jenkins, owner of Redwoods for You & Me, a swing & sleep recently opened up shop. "Business is flourishing!" Jenkins said. "My partners and I have been putting together packages to try and get those frisky Viagra popping boys to loosen up and head out West. The Baby Boom Boom package has really been reeling them in."

Back in the Capitol, President Bush has kept quiet on the topic of The Boner Bill. Dissuading the press from questioning his decision making process, only a brief sound clip has been captured in regards to his opinion on the Boner Bill's effectiveness, "I'm done in January," President Bush said with a grin. "So come February why don't you call up Laura?"

Make Chris Winn's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 multiplied by 4?

5 3 16 4

Go to top