DETROIT - Now that lots full of new cars are being abandoned, hobos are moving in to 'salvage' the battery acid and cook up a new treat for the street. Normally too sour to consume, the battery acid is mixed with pure aspartame to make a sweet tangy paste that the hobos are eating. Strangely, the hobos are being transformed by the experience. "I gave up drinking.", a hobo known as Hobopower said. " The pink elephants were beginning to bother me. Now, I don't feel the urge to drink. I just eat some 'twangy', as we call this stuff, and I feel like reading a book, or working a math problem. Killed my tapeworm too!" "Wow. That's really cool. But, did you know I can see directly into your stomach where your belly button used to be? And your tee-shirt seems to have melted." "Oh, I wondered where my shirt went. Thanks. Here, want some 'twangy'? I just mixed up this batch.".
At that point I locked myself in an abandoned car and dialed 911. Eventually, the police came on a bicycle.