Unconfirmed Sources report that the Supreme Court has already ruled that George W. Bush is actually the King of America. The secret ruling, expected to be released soon, is on a case brought by The White House. Plans for the coronation of King George of America the First are already in the works.
The case brought by the White House is based on a secret clause in the constitution. The "Double Secret Emergency Clause" grants the president the power to convert the US government into a monarchy. The DSEC clause, the text of which remains a state secret, provides for the complete reorganization of the government in case of emergency.
Hal Bergen, a noted constitutional scholar described the DSEC. "There have been rumors of the DSEC for years, but no one will admit to having seen it. There is very little evidence of the secret clause. Abraham Lincoln apparently considered using it in the civil war, but decided against it. I can't tell you what it says, but rumor has it that the President would become King and then he would have the power to disband Congress and the Supreme Court."
John Ashcroft, the attorney general, has seen the document and made the case before the Supreme Court. During a press conference he spoke about the Double Secret Emergency Clause. "The DSEC? Never heard of it." Reporters continued to pepper the attorney general about the DSEC, but he refused any comment.
The Office of Special Events at the White House denies that it is planning a coronation, but our sources indicate that a crown and scepter have already been ordered. A date for the coronation of King George of America the First has not yet been scheduled.