DETROIT, Michigan - The Three U.S, auto giants, Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors have pulled a fast one, and we're not talking about a fast car.
Just as soon as the U.S. government assured them that each of the three would be receiving a monetary 'bailout' of $5 billion ($15 billion total) all three automakers announced that they would be closing down their entire U.S. production and moving it overseas, lock, stock, and (four) barrel (carburetor).
A spokesmen for Ford, Trevor F. Dandipratt said "After carefully weighing all of our options, we at Ford, regret to have to say that we have decided that it is in the best interest of our corporation's stock holders to move our entire automobile production overseas.
For the past three months we have been in constant communication with Ethiopian President Meznesha Tirubaba in Dire Dawa, Ethiopia.
President Tirubaba has assured us that the Ford Motor Company will not have to pay one cent in national, state, county, city, neighborhood, school, or underwear taxes until March 17, 2028.
Tirubaba also told us that all Ford employees will receive a 70% discount at all Ethiopian grocery stores, drugstores, massage parlors, daycare centers, tattoo parlors, and Dunkin Donuts.
So as you can see, it was just too good an offer to pass up. And another factor that certainly came into play was the fact that our Ford employees in Detroit were making $70 an hour, whereas our Ford employees in Ethiopia will be making 85 cents an hour.
Again, that was just too good a deal to pass up. And of course there were other reasons such as Ford will not be paying any extra benefits such as overtime, medical, dental, vacation pay, or health care.
Ethiopian Ford employees are all non-union. Also in the Ethiopian culture it is considered a horrible affront to question one's boss or to complain to management.
In fact, if you want to hear someone complain about their higher-ups you will have to travel east to Somalia or west to the Sudan."
Chrysler Executive Assistant CEO Chadwick K. Custerfield stated that the stock holders of the Chrysler Corporation voted 703 to 1 to move their home offices from Auburn Hills, Michigan to Keflavik, Iceland.
Custerfield said that even though the average temperature during the winter months is a freezing 17 below zero and during the summer months the high will usually only be around 20 degrees, Chrysler decided to go ahead and move its entire automobile operation to Iceland.
"We really feel that we have made the best possible choice for all concerned," Custerfield said as he sat at his office eating a Jack-in-the-Box Ultimate Cheeseburger.
"I also want to clear up a vicious rumor that has been circulating on that GOP infested Fox Network stating that the only reason that I was so relentless in my determination to move Chrysler to Iceland is because all of my wife's family lives there.
That is just not so. In fact only her parents, her three brothers, and her six sisters live there. Her uncle Archie Pelago lives in Sukkertoppen, Greenland. and her cousin Scandi Vinjesvingen lives in Stavanger, Norway."
Custerfield added, "We are bringing the very best technical people in the auto industry with us to Iceland and they will begin training each and every one of our Icelandic employees. We will be starting the Icelandic workers off at 700 Kronabettas a week, which comes out to roughly $15 a week (US).
But we have promised that after one year with the company all employees' weekly pay will go up to $747 Kronabettas (or roughly a raise of $1 a week).
GM is moving it automotive operation to Caracas, Venezuela where it will become 'El General Motores.'
And in an amazing corporate move, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been named to be the company's assistant CEO in charge of world wide distribution.
Reports state that in order for Hugo Chavez to receive the assistant CEO job, he had to sign over about 90% of all Venezuelan oil production to General Motors.
But in return Chavez will recieve $10 million a year, he'll get a brand new Cadillac Escalade every January, and he will also receive a lifetime membership to Blockbuster with free movie rentals for life.
General Motors Chairman of The Board Owen P. Pettus could not be reached for a comment. It seems that Pettus and his secretary Ling Chow Ambrose, 19, had both gone to The Lake Michigan State Bank of Detroit to deposit the $5 billion governmental 'bailout' check.
In other news, a prison official at London's Ringo Star Prison for Blokes stated that just in the one week that Boy George has been incarcerated the range of his singing voice has mysteriously already gone up one full octave.