Dallas TX: A representative of the "Big Three Automakers," Mr. Willie Sutton departed the ongoing Congressional Hill bailout hearings to fly (commercial air) to Dallas Texas. He attended a meeting with the Board of Directors of the American Petroleum Association (APA).
Mr. Sutton felt that the automobile bailout hearings were not going too well with respect to obtaining the $35 Billion loan from Congress, so he said "I went where the money is." Willie met with Mr. Jessie James Chairman of the APA. The APA is a consortium of Shell, Chevron, Exxon Mobile, ConocoPhillips etal. Willie asked bluntly for a loan of $35 Billion and was just as bluntly refused. However, Chairman James did respond with a counter proposal to buy the "Big Three Automakers" for a ridiculously small amount of funds from their petty cash account.
Jessie said, "listen this is an offer you cannot refuse as you car gurus are up the proverbial creek without a paddle and you know it. Any Congressional bailout plan to loan the car makers an amount less than $35 Billion means Chapter 11 bankruptcy in a few months." An APA restructuring and revitalization plan was then presented to Willie. The plan provided that the "Big Three Automakers," become a wholly owned subsidiary of the APA, restructure and eliminate some car lines, terminate all of top and middle management (no golden parachutes), negotiate down their supplier costs and the auto workers unions take large wage and benefit cuts, but retain the majority of their members jobs.
It is "Big Oils" patriotic duty to help out the US Government by saving Detroit and achieve a big capital loss tax deduction. Our new name will be the Petroleum and Automobile Producers Association (PAPA). "Whatever is good for PAPA is good for the USA" is our slogan. The new Automotive Division of our business will be headed by Ken Lay.
Gasoline and Diesel fuel used for ground transportation constitutes the largest portion of the Transportation Sector of US energy use. Currently there are about 240 million cars and 50 million trucks in service that use these fuels. Americans appear to love their big cars, so PAPA recommends a new line of gas guzzlers. PAPA feels that low fuel efficiency cars are good cash cows for our Energy Division, especially if OPEC cuts production and a barrel of oil again exceeds $100 per barrel, Congress bans offshore drilling and keeps the Corporate Average Fuel Economy (CAFÉ) standards low. PAPA with all our cash reserves considered buying the US Government. However, the USA has too big a debt at $10 Trillion. (Some US citizens think "Big Oil" already owns the US Government.)
When word of this pending "Big Oil" bailout of Detroit reached Washington DC, pandemonium broke out. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid reconvened a lame duck Joint session of Congress. There were calls to nationalize the "Big Three Automakers," out bid "Big Oil" for "Big Auto," invoke the Anti-Trust Laws, approve the sale (Republicans) or simply let the "Big Three Automakers" go into Chapter 11 Bankruptcy (more Republicans).
Congressman Barney Frank (D) Massachusetts said DOH, DOH, DOH.....! Senator Will Rogers (I) from Oklahoma took to the Senate floor saying "The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity." President Bush was last seen in the Oval Office doubled over his desk in raucous laughter. A statement from President Elect Obama is expected shortly.
The unemployed "Little Taxpayer" is still anticipating a bevy of other "Big Bailout" financial basket cases.