Written by Warren Redlich

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Topics: bailout

Monday, 8 December 2008

image for Washington Man Will Fund Bailouts
Nopott Tapisson ready to fund bailouts

As various constituencies in the US push for government assistance, the hunt to find someone to pay for it all. Congressional leaders and the incoming Obama administration have settled on Nopott Tapisson, a resident of Washington DC, to foot the bill.

Tapisson was surprised when he got the news, but took it in stride: "I guess it's time for me to do my part. Folks have helped me out along the way, so it just got to be my time." He isn't sure how he'll manage to cover the trillion dollars or so in bailout funds, but his paycheck as a Wal-Mart greeter should cover a bit of it.

Speaking on behalf of the government, Rahm Emanuel said that Tapisson has a good credit history and bonds will be taken out in his name, based on his future income stream over the next thousand years. "A couple of hedge funds said they can make it work. We talked to a lawyer named Dreier who works with Fortress Investment Group and some Canadian union."

There was a lot of speculation in the media as to how Tapisson was chosen. George Carville suggested that someone from DC was likely as the district has no representation in Congress. Then Hugh Downs noticed that Tapisson is the only person left in the US who doesn't have a lobbyist.

If any problems arise in the process, a couple fallback funders have been designated. The first alternate, Duncan Whitehead disappeared shortly after his name came out on the list. The second, Jesus Budda, did not return calls for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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