Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 6 December 2008

image for Wille Nelson To Be The New Secretary of Agriculture
Willie Nelson's great, great, great uncle, Lord Horatio Nelson (photo courtesy of Nelson Mandela)

AUSTIN, Texas - Country music icon, Willie Nelson, 75, has been named by president-elect Barack Obama to be the new secretary of agriculture.

Obama told CNN's Anderson Cooper, "Look Andy, there is no one in the United States who is more qualified to be agriculture secretary than Willie Nelson.

"He literally has oats running through his veins. And I know that to be a true fact because the FBI showed me classified copies of his blood test."

Mr. Willie is certainly a man of the land. The old boy, who by the way at 75, makes John McCain, 65, look like a young wippersnapper, has more dirt underneath his fingernails than that Lindsay Lohan chick has freckles."

Obama added, "I spoke to Nelson last week at a concert down in Turkey Scratch, Arkansas and he told me that he was driving a farm tractor at the age of 18 months. He also said that by the time he was two, he was already rotating the tires on his grandfather's combine.

"He also showed me a Polaroid snapshot of himself at the age of six doing a make-over on a horse and helping to turn him into a gelding."

"Willie Nelson is truly one heck of a red-blooded American businessman." Obama stated. "He owns a cattle ranch in Texas, a horse ranch in Wyoming, a dairy farm in Wisconsin, an ant farm in Delaware, and a fat farm in California.

"So Mr. Nelson truly has no shortage in the qualification's department. Another thing that really astounds me is the fact that at the tender age of 8, he was elected national president of the FFA (Future Farmers of America)...and by a landslide vote no less.

"Now there will always be those detractors out there who will say that this individual or that individual is not qualified for this postion or that position. And I have already heard one or two rumblings about Mr. Willie.

"But let me just say this. My man Willie truly epitomizes the hard-working American. He is the quintessential blue-collar workingman of the Earth. He is a darn good fundraiser, a heck of a beer drinker, and a damn good guitar player.

"Nelson's Texas ranch, The Open Bar Hoof & Mouth Ranch covers 117,000 acres. And on that 'spread' he has one of the biggest longhorn cattle herds in the Lone Star State numbering a little over 70,000 head of cattle.

"And now, get this. Mr. Willie Nelson, the man who taught little three-year-old Eric Clapton how to play the guitar knows the names of every single one of his 70,000 cows. To use John McCain's patented phrase, 'my friends, that is simply amazing.'

"Heck I personally know people out there who cannot even remember the names of their goldfish."

Obama ended his conversation with Anderson Cooper by saying, "You know Coopy, both Michelle and I have always admired Willie Nelson. The 'Old Cowpoke' has had dozens of hits.

Songs such as 'Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain,' My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys,' 'Pancho And Lefty,' and his very first hit song, 'At First Our Marriage Was Like A
Great Big Ol' Picnic In Bed, But Then We Went And Stepped Smack Dab In The Middle Of A Cow Patty And It All Quickly Went To Rustler's Hell In A Friggin' Second.'

But more than Mr. Willie's songhits, is the fact that when it comes to helping his fellow man, Willie Nelson is tremendously active albeit very low-key. For example, since 1973, he has raised over $6 million for his Willie Nelson Crop Rotation Scholarship Fund.

He recently opened up a bar in Laredo, Texas called Willie Nelson's Beer For My Horses Bar & Grill. And 50% of the profit goes directly to The Willie, Ricky, David, Ozzie, and Harriet Nelson Home For Wayward Actors, Cowboys, & Retired Crop Dusting Pilots.

In related news. Willie Nelson and Toby Keith's hit song, 'Whisky for My Men (And Beer For My Horses)' was originally titled, 'Whisky, Beer, And Women For My Men (And Loco Weed, Mary Jane, and Grass For My Horses)'.

But Willie said the name was shortened because the record producer did not want to go over his alloted budget.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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