Written by Linguini
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Thursday, 10 June 2004

image for Bush Administration to Require New IQ Testing of Top Officials But With Major Exceptions
"Intelligence? About this much!"

In the face of continued crumbling support for the Cheney-Bush 2004 ticket, George W announced today that all federal employees take and pass a new IQ test to assure their mental competency for the job. When asked what, in essence, is the new test, George W demurred, "I don't know. I'm exempt from having to take it, - let's see, there's me, Cheney, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, and Tom Ridge, - we're too important to lose to an IQ test! Ask Cheney. He devised the test. It's a really good and thorough test for just about all to take and will separate the rice from the chaff, the barley from the grain, the good from the evil, the devout from the non-believers, the Rangers from the Astros, the egg from the mayonnaise, the sauce from the meatloaf, . . . (incoherent babbling)!"

When questioned by a reporter about the new IQ test, Cheney remarked, "Basically, it's called an Intelligence Test, but it's really a Test of Political Ideology instead. You don't have to have any smarts to work in our Administration. You just have to be a mainstream Republican far right of Dick Lugar who keeps his or her mouth shut and doesn't ask any tough questions!"

"So the test is being sold to the American public as an IQ test, but it's more of a 'Who can blindly follow the leader better than anyone else test?", asked the reporter. "Exactly," replied Cheney. "Take a guy like Oliver North. He'd get an "A" in a brainless minute! You see, all of the problems the Administration has had Iraq were caused by federal employees, including military ones, who failed to follow our orders to keep their mouths shut and not take any embarrassing photographs! Get those "liberals" out of the Administration, and bam, no more problems for the Administration and I get four more years in D.C. living the plush life off of campaign contributions! Neat, huh?"

The reporter then ask, "Mr, Cheney, how come top Administration Officials like yourself, Ashcroft, and Rumsfeld, are to be exempt from having to take the new IQ test? How are you going to sell that to the American Public? You three certainly can't be portrayed to the public as being too bright to be questioned?" Cheney responded," Got me there, son. Got to admit that me and John and Don have been really f...k..g up lately on the job. But remember, the test isn't really about intelligence, - just about loyalty. So we're selling our being exempt from the test on grounds of, get this, 'national security.' Got ya, huh? 'National security' is this big blanket under which I can sweep just about anything I want and the naive American Public will thank me. Really neat, huh?"

The reporter sadly sauntered away, muttering to himself, "How did these guys ever get into Power? Which stupid people let that happen?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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