Written by Helena Handbasket
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Tuesday, 2 December 2008

image for Scotus Demands Death Certificate: Did Obama Gramma Really Die in Hawaii?
Conspiracy theorists claim Obama's African relatives were paid five suits of clothes not to tell what they knew.

02 Dec 08, HONOLULU, HI, USNA-- Barack Hussein Obama, Acting President Elect Presumptive, ignored a deadline of yesterday to release his grandmother's death certificate, as demanded by Scotus, the nine-headed black beast of Washington.

Over 20 conspiracy-theory lawsuits allege that grandmother Madelyn Dunham did not actually die in Hawaii on November 3, 2008 (EU time), as reported only by family members; if proven, such charges could put Obama at risk of indictment or impeachment for foul play or worse (not that that's ever stopped any president before).

Obama, who is currently unemployed, has carefully maintained his consistent ignorant stance, with his spokesbabe even calling the lawsuits "garbage"; but mainstream media like The Spoof are now beginning to question a pattern of poor documentation with Obama and life events. Consider the following undisputed facts:

  • Dunham has not been seen publicly since March 2008, when Clinton was still openly contesting Obama for the Middle American presidency.
  • Dunham's illness and death has not been publicly substantiated except by family members.
  • Obama and half-sister Maya Soetoro stated that Dunham's funeral would be private and sparse, her gravesite would not be publicized, and remembrances would be postponed for weeks, citing a nebulous Hawaiian tradition. Obama did not attend.
  • Soetoro has, on different occasions, stated contradictorily that her grandmother was in hospital at two different Honolulu "institutions" during the same period of confinement.
  • Obama claimed to visit his grandmother twice during campaign trips to Hawaii, but both coincided with vital records releases.
  • During his first visit, Obama obtained a short-form state certification of his grandmother's illness, which his official website immediately published to combat persistent rumors that Obama had no compelling reason, like a sick grandmother, to miss so many Senate votes.
  • Obama has never stated any other reason for his exceptionally frequent Senate absences.
  • Obama is now unemployed, and his Senate office has stated that his official Senate schedule is "lost".
  • The short-form medical record does not name Dunham's illness or doctor's name, nor where she was in hospital, thus failing to evidence the very fact for which it was obtained.
  • During Obama's second visit, he spent more time meeting the Hawaii Custodian of Vital Records than with his own grandmother. (The Custodian's name is not capable of transcription into this character set.)
  • Immediately before the announcement of Dunham's death, the Custodian of Vital Records held a press conference to announce that she had personally seen the long form of Dunham's hospital records within the archives and had verified their genuineness, but did not specifically counter the growing rumors that Dunham was not then in Hawaii.
  • Obama's Nevada campaign manager died the same day as his grandmother.
  • Dunham's home health nurse is under censure as a caregiver.
  • Obama's other grandmother, and another family member, have stated publicly that they were present when Dunham died, in Kenya.
  • The Kenyan ambassador to Middle America was caught off-guard by a radio host when asked if "Obama's grandmother's grave, there in Kenya" would be marked in any way. The ambassador replied that it was already a Muslim shrine.
  • Days later, the same ambassador retracted the statement, claiming that he was referring to the future grave of Obama's Kenyan grandmother, who is still living.
  • Hawaii law specifically permits archiving the medical records of foreign institutions if the patient claims to have been resident in Hawaii in the past year.

Thus far goes the public record: nowhere. The absence of any proof of Dunham's illness and death, the only validation of Obama's questionably incomplete Senate record, has naturally led conspiracy theorists to ask whether he was a Middle American Senator at all: which is significant because, since the 25th Amendment was ratified in 1967 clarifying the presidency, the Constitution has required that every president must have formerly been a governor, senator, or vice president. If Obama is not thus Constitutionally qualified to serve as president, naysayers say yea, a Constitutional crisis looms.

The black beast Scotus, eyeing the fresh meat of such a crisis, has in the past month greedily gobbled up at least three citizens who have dared to cross the threshold of its lair. After chewing on and fully digesting their stays and their briefs, it has taken a taste for such flesh and begun to roam about, spewing flames from several of its heads (often singeing the hair of its other heads). Finding Obama not in his campaign headquarters last month, Scotus left a note in its typically cryptic script, demanding Obama's answer by 01 Dec 08, a deadline which has now passed.

Scotus watchers now expect the beast to begin echoing the allegations of the brave souls it has internalized. It may soon invoke its bizarre ritual of directing flaming bile from all nine of its mouths upon a single target subject to determine its worthiness and strength, in a process known as the "oral argument". If it deems the subject worthy by its own ineffable standards, it has power to disrupt the entire Middle American election, which is not scheduled to occur until 15 Dec 08. In short, conspiracy theory has now ascended to real risk and it is possible that Scotus may hold hostage all 538 voters indefinitely, releasing them only when it exacts from them the fateful promise to vote for "Anybody But Obama".

And this is not to mention the questions raised by the conspiracy theorists based on their reading of the evidence, which The Spoof will happily reproduce for seekers of impartial information. Was Dunham moved to a Mombasa, Kenya, prison prior to her death, and did she actually die in such a Kenya "institution"? Did she die of natural causes, or in a vehicular accident? Was her death a criminal act? Was Obama complicit in coverup? Why does the short-form certificate bear forgery marks, such as poor pixelization and disjoint dating? Did Dunham know something dangerous about Obama's qualifications for president? Was there anyone willing to punish her if she did not agree with the anointed storyline of the sick grandmother? What's the Nevada connection? Did Obama take advantage of the swing sympathy vote for people with recently dead grandmothers? Is Obama really the type who, according to rumor, would run over his own grandmother to be president? These unanswered questions may soon be repeated by the clamourous, far-reaching voices of Scotus from its replica of Mount Sinai.

Amid concerns over Dunham's ability to vote for her grandson in the general election, Hawaii officials have confirmed that an absentee presidential ballot in her name was received timely on 27 Oct 08, and has been counted repeatedly.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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