PENTAGON - Military spoke-spinner, Kanutsara Louse, granted TheSpoof this exclusive interview revealing the clandestine history of weapon, aspartame.
"It all began when we developed this toxin as a lethal weapon. The only problem was getting our enemies to eat enough to kill them. The stuff tastes like crap, unless you cover it up with a fruit flavor. And most of our enemies don't like fruits.
"So then we thought we could use it as a nonlethal weapon. The only problem was our own people developed a taste for it. We couldn't get them to stop eating it. It didn't kill them, but it made them a little spacey - almost peaceful!
"But the worst thing is we couldn't keep it in stock. Our people kept eating it in ever larger amounts. Even our top people wanted some. And the price of the stuff keeps going up. And THEN, we ran out of budget for it.
"So finally, we just said. OK, screw it. Let everybody eat it. So we told the FDA, 'approve it'. And they did. So here we are. Want a diet soda?"
"OK, thanks! Hey, I feel really MACHO drinking this now."